Divorcing a Narcissist

We all have heard of narcissists and some of us have probably dealt with one at some time or another. Unfortunately, some of us may be married to one, or maybe in the process of divorcing one.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. Narcissists are vain and think of themselves very highly. They are callous and do not care about the feelings of others. They are concerned primarily about themselves. They have a need for constant admiration as if they are a celebrity. They also feel entitled to everything and cannot handle criticism well.

So when you divorce the narcissist, be prepared to see your spouse portray himself or herself at the victim and you as the most horrible person in the world. While this portrayal will likely make you extremely upset, the worst thing you can do is react emotionally. Why? Because narcissists don’t care about the feelings of others. You’re just making things worse for yourself.

A narcissist will try to take the divorce all the way to court to let a judge decide. This seems like a poor strategy, but in the eyes of the narcissist, it’s better to have an unfavorable outcome when someone else has the control than to give up control unwillingly. This may not make sense at all, but that’s how the mind of a narcissist works.

Divorce Tips

So what can you do to avoid your spouse’s drama and get your divorce finalized quickly? Here are some suggestions:

  • Let your lawyer know about your narcissistic spouse. Most lawyers have experience dealing with this type of person, but if not, find someone who is. You need to have the right strategy.
  • Establish goals.What do you want to accomplish in the end? Determine what battles you want to fight, because some are small and not worth fighting.
  • Listen and ask questions. Don’t have preconceived ideas. Learn more about your spouse’s point of view and set reasonable expectations.
  • Document everything. Your spouse will tell lies. You can negate these lies by having receipts and other documents to back up your claims.
  • Be objective. Play devil’s advocate. What arguments will your spouse use against you to make you look like the bad guy? Think ahead so your lawyer can help you avoid hurting your case.
  • Be reasonable. Your spouse wants you to enrage you. Don’t let him or her do it. Don’t think with your feelings. Use law and facts to create an argument that is logical and reasonable.

Contact a Denver Divorce Attorney Today

Being married to a narcissist can be frustrating, but divorcing one can be even worse. Your spouse will try to manipulate you and refuse to settle outside of court. He or she will make your divorce a nightmare. Get help by contacting the family law professionals at Divorce Matters. We can help create an agreement that will allow you to settle outside of court without the drama. Request a consultation today by contacting Divorce Matters online or by calling (720) 463-1232.

What Kind of Divorce is Right for You?

No two divorces are the same. The legal assistance and procedures you choose will depend on your relationship with your spouse, pertinent child custody matters, marital assets, and personal resources. There are several paths you can take to obtain a divorce. Find out more about the different divorce forms to learn which option is best for you.

Uncontested Divorce

An uncontested divorce is for couples that have no issues to resolve before the divorce can be granted. If the spouses agree on every aspect of the divorce, they may choose to file jointly. Uncontested divorces can be obtained without legal counsel if desired. This option works best for spouses with no children and limited resources that are seeking a “quickie divorce.” While uncontested divorce is typically the least expensive form of divorce, it can also be a risky choice. One spouse may be unduly influenced by the other to accept the “raw end of the deal.” Spouses that fail to address every issue in their divorce agreement may end up going back to court at a later date.

Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative divorce is the process of resolving divorce matters as a team. Each spouse hires a separate attorney, but all parties work together to find a solution to property distribution and child custody issues. This process works well for divorces with few contentious issues involving amicable, cooperative spouses. However, if the parties cannot reach an agreement, they may have to retain new counsel and start from scratch.

Mediated Divorce

Mediation can be a very effective approach to reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement. The spouses, with or without separate counsel, sit down with a neutral third party to resolve their financial and parenting issues. This form of divorce works well for many couples, as long as both spouses are willing to cooperate and compromise.

Divorce Settlement

The most common form of divorce is the out-of-court settlement. Each spouse is represented by his or her own attorney who oversees the negotiation process. When the parties reach a divorce agreement, they submit their proposal to the court for approval.

Contested Divorce

When negotiation and dispute resolution attempts fail, a contested divorce may be necessary. In a contested divorce, the spouses present their arguments in front of a judge or jury, who decides the issues for them. This is the most complicated, time-consuming, and expensive form of divorce. It is only recommended for those with complex asset division or child custody issues, or those dealing with a hostile spouse.

Arbitration

A less commonly used option is divorce arbitration. The process is often faster and less formal than a full trial, but the issues are still heard and decided by a neutral third party. The arbitrator’s decisions are legally binding, so it is only a good option for those who wish to preserve time, money, and privacy, but have been unable to reach a divorce settlement.

Need Legal Assistance? Call a Colorado Divorce Attorney

Divorce Matters is a Denver-based law firm that focuses on divorce and family law issues. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and let us assist you throughout each step of your case.

The Divorce Process, Part 2: Who Is Allowed To File For Divorce?

Miranda Bouchey - Attorney

Just because you are married and live in Colorado does not mean that you are automatically allowed to petition for divorce in the state. You must first make sure that you are following Colorado’s dissolution of marriage laws. To prevent your case from being dismissed, one thing you’ll have to make sure of is that you meet the residency requirements for divorcing in Colorado.

It is a common misconception that you must file for divorce in the state that you were married in. This is a myth; the majority of divorce cases are filed in the county in which the party petitioning for divorce lives. But it’s not enough to simply have an address in Colorado to file for a Colorado divorce. Here are the requirements, according to Colorado law:

  • The district court shall enter a decree of dissolution of marriage when: The court finds that one of the parties has been domiciled in this state for ninety days next preceding the commencement of the proceeding.
  • The dissolution of marriage may be filed in the county in which the petitioner or respondent resides. (Colorado Statutes – Article 10 – Sections: 14-10-106)

In more layman’s terms, for a divorce petition to be valid in the state, at least one spouse must have an established home in Colorado for at least 90 days. However, an established domicile does not necessarily mean a physical presence. The term “domicile” can be thought of more as a matter of intent than a matter of having a street number. This is because not all Colorado residents are present in Colorado at all times. If you work for the military, for example, and are stationed in San Diego but have had a Colorado address for longer than three months, often the courts will consider that sufficient intent to create domicile in Colorado. Other actions that indicate intent to create domicile include changing your mailing address to a Colorado address, maintaining voter registration in the state, registering your car in the state, etc., even if you are not currently present in the state.

Our Denver family lawyers seek to provide exceptional client experiences for clients throughout Colorado.

The Divorce Process, Part 1: Grounds For Divorce

Mark Smith

Do Colorado couples have to prove anything to get a divorce? There are two lines of thinking in the United States when it comes to divorce. All 50 states allow for “no-fault” divorce, which is divorce where neither party has to prove anything beyond that the marriage is irreparably broken.

There are 32 states that allow some form of “fault” divorce. In these divorces, one party can prove grounds for divorce such as cruelty, adultery, desertion or confinement in prison for a set number of years (it varies by state which forms of fault are accepted). For fault divorces, the goal is generally for the aggrieved party to seek a greater portion of marital property or support.

Colorado is strictly a no-fault state for divorce. This means that either spouse can petition for a divorce (also known as a dissolution of marriage) or a legal separation and only needs to show that there are irreconcilable differences between the spouses.

Because we are a no-fault state, the courts like to keep divorce cases clean, meaning they usually will not allow either spouse to present evidence of wrongdoing on the part of the other spouse. There are exceptions when the wrongdoing has the potential to affect other issues. For example, if there is any spousal or child abuse happening, the victim can present this evidence to be taken into account when the court makes decisions on parenting time (child custody).

Note that these rules only cover dissolution of marriage and legal separation, not annulments. Annulments are a separate legal process from divorce and will not be covered in this series on the divorce process in Colorado.

On Friday, we’ll discuss another issue of the divorce process ”“ who is actually allowed to file for divorce in Colorado?

Our Denver family law attorneys are willing to assist you no matter where in the divorce process you are.

Protecting Your Marriage From Money Problems

Money is one of the most popular points of contention for married couples. Studies show that the more frequently a couple fights over money, the more likely they are to divorce, especially if the money battles happen every day or every other day. There are a lot of things that couples fight about ”“ the kids, the chores, the in-laws ”“ but above all, the frequency of money disputes is the single biggest predictor of divorce. Knowing that, here are some basic tips to help keep your financial situation civil and productive:

  1. Communication is key. Have a regular meeting time with your spouse to discuss all matters of family finances, including income, expenditures, bills and plans for the future. One a month is a good schedule to follow, perhaps around the time bills are due, but every two weeks may be better for you.
  2. It might be hard, but make a budget. It’s much easier to spend money you shouldn’t be spending if you don’t have some sort of roadmap for your finances.
  3. Each party should have a separate account for discretionary income. Think of it like an allowance, something you give to yourself in case you want to treat yourself someday without angering your spouse.

It is critical when discussing money issues with the spouse to keep an open mind. You’re not engaged in some mortal battle for the fate of your wallet. It is about understanding your own and your partner’s outlook on money and the role it plays in your lives together. Be willing to adopt a positive mindset, search for common ground and know that compromise is the name of the game.

Our Denver divorce law firm serves clients throughout the state of Colorado.

Divorce Can Crash Your Credit ”“ Prepare Yourself!

Credit is highly important in our society. Our economy runs on credit, and with good credit you are much more likely to be able to get a mortgage loan, student loan, car loan and many other types of financial aid. But major life events can have a huge impact on your credit ”“ and divorce is one of those. Here are just a few ways a divorce can crash your credit:

  1. Divorce expenses. Divorce can be expensive, and many people will decide to use credit cards to either pay off those divorce expenses directly, or to cover other life essentials that they would normally use their cash for. When they do this, it increases their credit card utilization, and too much credit card utilization can result in a hit to your credit.
  2. Failure to make payments. You may find that during divorce, you have a harder time paying off your financial obligations such as your car payment, your utility bills or your mortgage. This can be due to the aforementioned divorce expenses, or simply because without the dual income afforded by marriage, you are struggling with your financial obligations. Additionally, you probably share several accounts with your soon-to-be-ex. Divorce doesn’t stop you from having to pay debts on these joint accounts, and if your spouse fails to make payments, it will hurt your credit.
  3. On the note of shared accounts ”“ if you share things like credit cards and your spouse gets wind that a divorce might be on the horizon, your spouse might take measures to utilize those joint cards to rack up debt. It could be a vindictive response to intentionally harm you, or it could just be your spouse’s way of looking out for number one. Get yourself separated from those accounts as soon as possible.

Our Denver divorce law attorneys can help you get your finances in order during a divorce to protect your credit.

How Can I Serve My Spouse Divorce Papers If I Can’t Find Him/Her?

You want a divorce, but your spouse has vanished ”“ won’t answer phone calls or texts, has no online presence and no longer works at any job you know about. What do you do?

If your spouse has pulled a Houdini, it is still possible for you to get a divorce. But the courts will require you to make a good faith effort to find your spouse. There is no law dictating exactly what lengths you need to go to in order to sleuth out your spouse’s location, so it falls to the judge to decide when you’ve done enough. Here are a few things you should look into before you make your case before a judge:

  1. When and where did you last see your spouse?
  2. Check your spouse’s last known address by mail, and in person if possible
  3. Check at your spouse’s last known workplace
  4. Contact any of your spouse’s family members you can and ask if they’ve seen your spouse
  5. Search through the Denver phone books
  6. Search through the Internet
  7. Check Denver criminal court cases either online or at a courthouse
  8. Call the jails near your spouse’s last known address
  9. Check with the DMV
  10. Call local hospitals and homeless shelters

Once you’ve exhausted all possible avenues to find your spouse, you need to file a Motion to Serve by Publication or Posting with the court. After that, a judge will review your motion and decide whether you should be allowed to publish a notice stating your intent to divorce. From there, your divorce attorney can help you proceed if your spouse does not respond to your divorce filing.

Our Denver family law firm delivers strength, confidence and experienced legal representation to clients throughout Colorado.

Can I Get A Divorce In Colorado If I Am Pregnant?

Divorce is stressful. Pregnancy is stressful. And both at the same time?

When divorce comes up during a pregnancy, there are a lot of questions to ask. How does the divorce affect child custody? What about child support? If you divorce before birth, is it easier or harder to deal with these issues?

For fathers, the divorce might bring up worries about legal paternity, which is required for the father to have visitation rights, custody and child support obligations. Fortunately, establishing paternity even in divorce is usually a simple process. If the parties are married, then paternity is automatically presumed. If the parties are unmarried, the father can submit a Voluntary Acknowledgement of Paternity (which won’t include child custody or child support issues) or file a judicial action for paternity (which will include support and custody issues. If, for whatever reason, the mother decides to deny paternity, then the father would have to undergo a paternity test.

Fathers may also worry that they will be less likely to have custody of the baby. As far as the law is concerned, that is not true ”“ both parents have equal claim to the child. However, the courts are responsible for assigning custody and will have to approve any proposed custody plans. They will only approve what they feel is within the child’s best interest. Judges understand the need for both parents to foster a connection with the baby and will often recommend frequent visitation for the non-custodial parent. The best way to ensure a parenting time schedule that works best for you and your child is through mediation, rather than just letting the judge come up with one.

As for child support, it works the same way for pre-birth babies as it does for ones that are born. You can petition for child support even before the baby is born, and it is calculated the same way (and you can find out how it is calculated using our app.) You shouldn’t wait to file for child support, but know that no orders will be given until the baby is born.

Our Denver family lawyers are well-equipped to assist pregnant mothers in matters of family law.

Your Life, Your Credit: How NOT To Destroy Your Credit In Divorce

The effects of divorce can linger for a long time after the settlement is final. Divorce can cause a huge strain on your credit, so it is best to plan ahead to preserve your financial future.

How To Prevent Damage To Your Credit After Divorce

  1. Before you can plan for post-divorce credit, you should know where you stand currently. It’s astonishing how common it is for people’s credit reports to be incorrect. So, step one is to pull your credit report. You can request a free report once per year from each of the three reporting agencies, or you can look online for free services like CreditKarma for an estimate. You’ll want to look for things like collections notices that are incorrect, lines of credit that you did not open and things of that nature. Dispute any errors you can, as they can make it difficult for you to secure new lines of credit (which you might need considering the costs of divorce).
  2. Although getting your credit in order makes it easier to open new lines of credit, you will want to avoid opening new lines of credit that are unnecessary. Only open new lines of credit when you have no other choice ”“ you don’t want to overextend your finances, and there are still things like attorney fees, daily expenses and unexpected expenses like security deposits on a new place to live to consider.
  3. Budgeting is the name of the game. Presumably, you’re moving from a two income household to a one income situation. You’re likely going to have to make some cutbacks and prioritize what is really important. Making sure you are able to pay your bills on time means that you can preserve your credit rating so that you are able to take out any necessary loans you will need (student loans, car loans, mortgage loans) moving forward in your life.
  4. Make sure that you close all joint accounts with your spouse before your divorce is final. If your name is still on an account with your spouse after divorce, then his or her debts and spending habits could come back to bite you.

The Denver divorce attorneys at Divorce Matters handle all aspects of family law, including preparing our clients for the financial changes they will experience post-divorce.

Four Simple Tips To Help You Pay Less For Divorce

Generally speaking, divorce can be a very expensive life event. There is a lot to consider beyond just the cost of an attorney. Finding a new place to live, purchasing a new vehicle and many other things factor into the cost of divorce.

Attorney fees make up a large portion of divorce costs, but there are many strategies that we use at our law firm to help our clients soften the financial blow of divorce as much as possible. Here are a few tips to help you keep your attorney fees low in divorce.

4 Tips To Minimize Divorce Costs

  1. Find a lawyer early on in the divorce process. While this might seem counterintuitive, often it actually results in lower long-term fees because your lawyer will advise you on what’s feasible and what the best possible outcome can be for your individual situation.
  2. Use your time with your attorney wisely. Preparation is important. Think through all of the questions that you have, compile them all together and bring them to your attorney’s attention at one time, instead of making a phone call every time you have a question. Keeping your attorney interactions concise can help you minimize your attorney fees.
  3. Do your homework! While divorce attorneys are there to help you get all of your affairs in order, there is a lot that you can do yourself to help streamline the process. Putting together your financial portfolio including assets, liabilities, income and expenses, for example, can make it that much easier for your attorney to work through any issues related to division of marital assets.
  4. If it is possible for you to remain amicable with your spouse, much of the conflict in your divorce can be avoided. That can lead directly to lower attorney fees, because conflict can drag out divorce proceedings, contributing to higher costs.

Our Denver divorce attorneys offer financing options to help clients cover the costs of their divorces.