How To Give Your Child Emotional Support Through Divorce

Different colored hands with hearts on the palm

If you are facing divorce or perhaps already going through it, then you know that no matter what happens it will be something that affects your children. This is perfectly normal and there is a natural grieving process that they will go through as they deal with their emotions around your separation. There are ways you can help make sure that your children have the support they need during this time.

The first is to make sure that they know you are there if they need to talk about it. The urge to keep it hush-hush can be strong if you feel like avoiding the topic would be less painful for them. However, letting them know you are available to talk to about it without forcing them to gives them the space they need to process their emotions and feel safe enough to approach you if they have questions or need to share something.

One of the best things you can do for your kids is to try and work out an amicable and conflict free co-parenting plan. Of course, this isn’t always an option depending on the individual situation but if you can work to settle your differences with your ex-spouse for the sake of your kids it will go a really long way in helping them deal with their emotions about the divorce.

Finally, don’t be afraid to get yourself and/or your child professional help if either of you find that you continue to struggle with the divorce in a manner that seems unhealthy. Talking to a counselor or therapist is a great way to learn the tools needed to cope with the stress associated with divorce.

Enjoying Time With Your Children On A Single Parent’s Budget

Jack Duggan

After divorce money can be tight on a single parent’s budget, but you know how important it is that you still spend time participating in activities with your children. You just don’t have to break the bank to do it! There are plenty of fun ways to spend time with your little ones without spending a ton.

One of those ways is to take your kids out on a hike. Plan your route ahead of time based on their experience and how far they can go and then spend the time on your hike pointing out wildlife and spending quality time catching up with them. If you are feeling particularly adventurous you might even bring a tent along and spend an evening with them around the campfire.

Another great way to spend time with your kiddos is to have a movie night in! Grab a couple of age-appropriate classics and settle in with some popcorn and candy. You could even set up a fun fort with them ahead of time for them to watch the movie from.

Perhaps your kids are old enough to begin teaching them how to cook. This is a great time to start showing them the basics of nutrition and the importance of home-cooked meals. Talk them through the recipes and cooking processes as you go and eventually have them start doing it. Soon enough they will know how to cook for themselves in a safe and nutritious manner.

There are always great ways to spend time together with your children enjoying new experiences, don’t be afraid to get out there and find them!

If you are looking to find out more about what your maintenance or child support might look like when going through a divorce so you can better plan for your financial future, Divorce Matters offers a free app that can help. Visit us at www.divorce-matters.com/apps and visit either the Google Play or iTunes stores to download our free Child Support and Maintenance Calculator App.

Parenting Mistakes To Avoid When Going Through Divorce

Emily Ahnell - Partner and Managing Attorney

Divorce can be difficult on your family but it is extremely important not to find yourself hurting your children in the process. They are most important to protect during this time of transition and there are a few things to remind yourself of every time you are interacting with them.

First, make sure you understand the terms of your custody agreement. If you want to make changes be sure to go through the proper channels to make those changes. If you feel like your custody agreement isn’t being honored or you’d like to make changes, contact your divorce attorney for more information.

Second, don’t try and force them to take sides between you and your ex, no matter what your situation is. They are too young to be handling anything of this emotional magnitude and as their parent it is your place to protect them from this strife as much as possible. To them, they still have two parents and might want to keep it that way no matter what you want. Allow them the space to express what they want without trying to influence them.

Another very important piece of advice to follow, do not bad mouth your ex-partner in front of your children. Not only can this be psychologically damaging to them, but it can also cause rifts between you and them or your spouse and them. This action can come back to hurt you in future custody proceedings.

Finally, try to not let the stress of the divorce and its toll on you affect your relationship with your children. As difficult as it may be right now, protecting your relationship with your children is paramount and your children can be a source of comfort and love.

Balance Is Important: Why Overnights Are So Important For Young Children

When the courts come up with child custody arrangements, they determine the plan based on what is in the best interest of the children. Often, the courts will try to make sure that each parent has adequate overnight visits with the children. It may seem like a no-brainer that children should be able to spend time with both parents, but what arrangement is best? A new study suggests that splitting time as evenly as possible between parents is the best way for children to build and maintain both relationships.

The study, published February 2 in the journal Psychology, Public Policy and Law, suggested that adult children who went on the have the best relationships with their parents were those who spent equal time between their parents’ homes as young children.

Previous research on couples showed that a child who spends too much time with the father early in life would suffer damaged bonds with the mother. The new study suggested otherwise: not only did overnight parenting with the father cause no harm to the mother-child relationship, commonly thought of as the most important relationship for young children, it actually appeared to strengthen both relationships.

Overnight Time with Both Parents Is the Key to Better Future Relationships

The study looked at 100 college students whose parents separated before the students turned three years old. The students rated their relationships with their parents and the findings showed that the time spent with the child at age two was highly important. If a child spent less time at one parent’s house, the parents were typically unable to compensate later with more overnight time. As a result, the child’s future relationship with that parent would suffer. The study concluded that an even, or close to even, split provided benefits for all three parties, not just the custodial parent and the child.

Why? The researchers have a theory. For fathers, being alone with the child helped them to learn how to parent the child from the beginning. This led to a better foundation for their future relationship. For mothers, letting the child spend time away gave them a break from the stresses of being a single mother, which made mothers more prepared to raise the children when they had custody.

Having issues with a parenting time arrangement for your children? Our Denver family law firm is well-equipped to handle all matters of child custody, including enforcement and modification.

How To Handle The Holidays With The Kids After Your Divorce

The holidays are supposed to be a time for joy and family ”“ but divorce throws a serious wrench into that idea. On top of the usual holiday chores (shopping, cooking, taking care of the kids while they’re out of school), you also have to deal with the stress, uncertainty, grief and struggles of separation. Holidays can be especially difficult for children whose parents are divorcing. Here are some useful tips to help your kids get the most out of the holiday season.

Holidays With The Kids During Divorce ”“ Don’t Panic!

Make sure the children know that they will still be able to celebrate, just that it is going to be different this year. There will probably be a lot more traveling ”“ one way to assuage the kids’ fears is to frame it by saying that they get to have two celebrations this year instead of one.

Plan around the best interests of the children. Holiday planning is enough of a struggle as it is, but you should do everything in your power to ensure that this is a special time for the kids. Come up with a holiday division schedule that will minimize their stress, whether this means splitting days or planning your celebrations at a different time than usual.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your family or friends.

Create new traditions! Maybe plan an annual ice skating day for the kids, or let them help you make a special holiday recipe.

Take care of yourself when the children are with your ex-spouse. Let them know that you want them to have a good time with your ex, and while they’re out, find ways to keep yourself entertained. Maybe there’s a new movie out this year that you haven’t had time to see (we hear “Arrival” is good), or maybe you could use a spa day.

Try to keep communication between you and your ex-cordial and open. Like it or not, you are going to have to interact with him or her. Keep it civil for the sake of the kids.

Our Denver family law attorneys wish you and yours a happy holiday season!

Ready For Mediation? Tips For Mothers Mediating Child Custody Disputes

Divorce is a stressful process that becomes significantly more so if you have kids. No parent wants to be away from their child for any longer than they have to, but when divorce happens, there’s really no avoiding the problem of custody. But there are ways to help alleviate that problem; one of those is through child custody mediation.

The point of mediation is to have both parents work out mutually beneficial custody arrangements and parenting time schedules that are in the best interests of the children. Mediation is almost always required in child custody disputes in court, but can also be entered into voluntarily before a case is ever filed. Mediation is one of the best ways to come up with a plan that works for you, your spouse and most importantly, the little ones. After all, why endure the stress of fighting it out in court only to have a judge impose a schedule upon the parents and children, when you can do it yourselves, save money and end up with a schedule that is actually workable for everyone involved?

However, if parents are prone to arguing, or if one parent has a more dominant personality, mediation can be intimidating if you don’t know what to expect. But don’t let fear of the unknown drive you away from mediation; even in contentious custody battles, mediation has a lot of benefits and can help reduce or relieve the stresses of fighting for your kids. Here are some tips to help you get ready for custody mediation:

  • Choose a mediator who is a reputable family law attorney that has been doing mediation for at least a few years. There is no license to be a mediator, so anyone can put themselves out there as one. Always check qualifications, such as asking if the mediator has taken a 40 hour mediation course, and make sure they are family law mediators who have dealt with parent and child issues before. An experienced family law mediator can be effective and convincing about the reality of the situation if the other parent is being unreasonable.

  • Preparation Is Key

    Whether you have a lawyer or are going on your own, come with your schedule and calendar that you need for your and the other parent’s work schedule. Know the dates that school starts, when holidays are, when spring, summer and winter break are and what you would like to do during those times (want to visit grandparents? Teach your kids to ski? Etc.)

  • In addition to the calendar dates, have an idea of activities that you, the other parent and the children have on a daily basis. Does a child go to soccer after school? Piano lessons on Wednesday? Do you always have to stay late at work on Wednesday, but have flexibility on Fridays? Have tentative daily schedules and reminders written down so you can plan accordingly.
  • Do you or the other parent have relatives or good friends that live nearby that want to be helpful with the children? A court cannot order grandma to pick up the kids and take them to swimming practice on Thursdays, but if grandma wants to be a part of it, you can put that in the mediated agreement. Can the kids, if they are old enough, stay at home alone after school if they check in with the neighbor who works from home? Speak to friends, neighbors and family beforehand to offer additional solutions to common parenting scheduling problems.
  • Enter mediation with an open mind and a calm demeanor. Even if the other parent is being unreasonable, always stay calm and collected during mediation. Accept the fact that you cannot control what the other parent says or does in mediation; you can only control your reaction. Getting upset will never help your situation. If you do get upset, it’s okay, but ask for a 10-minute break and get some fresh air to help you calm down.
  • Understand that it might take a few sessions to work out an agreement and plan. If you do not come to an agreement on the first session, know that you did not fail. Sometimes, people need time to reflect and may come back to another mediated session with some new insights into what really matters and what needs to be done. As they say, hindsight is 20/20 ”“ an unsuccessful first session helps both parties identify ways to move forward.
  • Take the time to understand that when parents do not live together, neither parent is going to get as much time with the child(ren) as they would like. Think about the situation from the child’s point of view. It’s your job as a parent to do what is best for the kids, even if that means you might not get to see them as often as you’d like.

The Denver family law attorneys at Divorce Matters provide mediation services for divorcing couples in Colorado.

Who Keeps The Embryos? Colorado Divorcing Couple Spar Over IVF

The question of child custody is a fairly routine one in divorce cases, but definitely not like this.

A case currently pending before the Colorado Court of Appeals pits two parties against one another in a divorce case. The issue? Who gets control of the cryopreserved embryos the couple has left over from in-vitro fertilization?

Mandy and Drake Rooks divorced in 2014. They already had three children, all conceived through in-vitro fertilization. As is usually the case, the couple had a few leftover embryos, which were kept frozen. After the divorce, though, Mandy wanted to use the embryos to have a fourth child, something that she said Drake agreed to during the marriage. Drake, on the other hand, said no. Mandy could not have a fourth child biologically through any other means, because she had no more viable eggs.

This is not the first time such a custody battle has happened. A Michigan couple once underwent a legal battle over five frozen embryos in very similar circumstances. The father did not want more children, while the mother did. The judge ended up ruling in favor of the father, citing that he had a choice of whether or not he wanted more children.

In the Colorado case, the court ruled against Mandy on the basis of consent. Because Drake was unwilling to allow his genetic material to be used for Mandy to have another child, she could not force him. Additionally, the Rooks’ child support agreement stipulated that any child under Mandy’s care would lead to an increase in Drake’s payments, which would be unfair to him if Mandy were to have a child with his genetic material against his consent.

Our Denver divorce lawyers are well-equipped to handle all matters of child custody.

Should I Base My Divorce Demands On Other Divorcees’ Settlements?

How much of your marital assets are you owed in your divorce? If it is your first time going through divorce, you might not have any idea what to expect when your assets are divided and the divorce is finalized. Will you get the house? The car? How much of the joint savings will go to you? Retirement funds? Stock options? It’s a lot to think about!

Naturally, your best bet in learning what to expect is to speak to someone who knows ”“ but that doesn’t mean speak to other divorcees to see what they got in their divorce settlements. Maybe your best friend or your sister have gone through this before, and you’re curious to see how well off they were after divorce ”“ but they are not the ones you should be basing your expectations on. Here’s why.

Stop Listening To Your Friends””Every Divorce Is Different

If you start probing into the lives of friends, friends-of-friends or family members who have gotten divorced, you might not stop to think that there is no one-size-fits-all divorce settlement. Maybe you are planning on paying a certain amount of child support, until you hear from your cousin that his friend doesn’t have to pay any at all, despite having less time with the kids than you do. Or perhaps you make much more money than your spouse but don’t think it’s fair that you will be paying temporary spousal maintenance while your brother didn’t have to when he got divorced.

It is important to remember you are only hearing one side of the story, and you are lacking the full set of facts. It’s easy to think that you are being given a bum deal in divorce when it seems like everyone around you is doing great.

You should talk to someone about what you want in a divorce, and what you think is fair ”“ but that someone should be an attorney, not Jane Doe who lives at the other end of your street. Don’t be afraid to ask your attorney questions about how divorce works in Colorado and why the terms of your divorce are the way they are. If you don’t understand the documents, speak up. If you don’t know why you have to pay alimony, speak up. Knowledge is power, and ultimately your goal should be to ensure a fair divorce settlement. Don’t get angry because of the way other peoples’ divorces go ”“ they are not you, and their divorce is not the same as yours.

Our Denver divorce attorneys offer mediation services for prospective divorce clients and are committed to ensuring equitable distribution of assets in your divorce.

How Do I Tell My Kids About The Divorce?

For many divorcing couples, the most heartbreaking part is worrying about how the split will affect the kids. The divorcing adults may understand that this is for the best, but children may only see the immediate effect: a breakdown of the family. When it comes time to tell the kids about the divorce, keep the following in mind.

  1. Plan it out with your ex beforehand. Even if you detest your ex with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, you need to find a way to put that aside when it comes to breaking the news to your kids. Sit down in the same room with your ex and plan out exactly what you want to say and what details you may want to leave out.
  2. Be definitive. If you aren’t completely sure that you and your spouse are getting a divorce, don’t have this talk! When things are up in the air, this is usually more upsetting than the finality of divorce, which can come as a relief to kids with unhappy parents.
  3. Avoid blame. No matter who did what that led to the dissolution of the marriage, keep that miles away from the kids. That’s between the two of you.
  4. Take the high road. Stay away from snarky, sarcastic digs at your spouse while you’re having this talk. Be an adult.
  5. Stick to the facts. Be as honest as possible about why Mom and Dad aren’t together anymore. “We work better separately rather than together.” “We tried to make it work, but we aren’t happy in this relationship together.” And be honest, explaining the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Admit things will be different going forward, but everything will be okay.
  6. Reassure your kids that your kids that they are loved, and you are still a family. “Things might be changing, but we both love you so much. We’re still your parents, still Mom and Dad, just not husband and wife anymore.” Make it clear that this is the best choice for the family, that staying together while unhappy sets a bad example for the kids.
  7. Go in with no expectations. Each kid reacts differently to the news. Some older or more perceptive kids see it coming. Others are surprised, and react with sharp emotions. With multiple children, one may try to be strong for the sake of the others.
  8. Keep the conversation going. This is the first of many talks you’ll have with your kids about the state of the family. Consider counseling, either with the parent or just the child separately. Answer any questions they have as honestly as possible, while still sticking to the ground rules both parents agreed upon.

Our Denver divorce attorneys understand that divorce can overwhelm a family. We take care of the legal stuff so you can focus on the next stage of your life.

4 Ways to Share the Kids on Thanksgiving

When you share custody of the kids, invariably one of the issues that will come up around Thanksgiving is which parent will get to see the kids. They can’t be in two places at once, and it’s natural for both parents to want to celebrate with their family.

This situation isn’t just difficult for the parents. The kids also suffer. If they’re younger, they might feel saddened that they won’t be able to see one parent. If they’re older, they might feel guilty about having to make a choice between their parents. This kind of stress is antithetical to the spirit of the holidays.

Ways to Share Custody

  • The simple option is to split the day. Perhaps one parent has the kids for the morning and lunch, and the other parent has them over for dinner. If you are able to work with your ex on scheduling, this could prevent your kids from having to make that awkward choice of which parent to be with.
  • If you are fine with celebrating on a different day than the actual holiday, then that is also an excellent way of making sure the kids get to see both parents. The day before or the day after (for those who become hermits during the madness of Black Friday) are typical choices.
  • If you and your ex are on speaking terms, why not celebrate together? After all, you both have the same thing to be thankful for ”“ your wonderful children. If you can handle it, then it also affects the psychological well-being of your children in a positive way. It shows them that you are able to set aside your differences for their happiness.
  • If it is impossible for the kids to see both parents on the same day (for example, you and your ex live in different states or even countries), make an effort for the other spouse to be included in the celebration somehow. A nice gift basket and a long Skype call lets the kids know that they are in your or your spouse’s thoughts.

Contact a Denver Family Law Attorney That Will Advocate for Your Child Custody Case

The team at Divorce Matters is committed to ensuring you get the custody you deserve! Contact them today for help.