Custody and Deployment: How Military Divorce Impacts Families

Military families face unique challenges that can place an extraordinary strain on marriages. Frequent relocations, long separations, and the stress of deployment can all take a toll on relationships. When divorce becomes unavoidable, service members and their spouses encounter additional legal and emotional hurdles—especially when children are involved.

One of the most complex issues in a military divorce is child custody. Unlike civilian divorces, custody arrangements in military families must account for deployments, frequent moves, and the demands of military service. These factors don’t just affect the parents; they shape the lives of children who must adapt to changing routines and sometimes long absences from one parent.

This blog explores how deployment impacts custody, the legal considerations unique to military divorces, and the ways families can protect their children’s best interests during this difficult time.

The Unique Challenges of Military Divorce

While every divorce is difficult, military divorces bring distinctive complications that influence custody decisions. Some of the most significant challenges include:

1. Deployment and Extended Absences

Unlike civilian parents, military service members may be deployed overseas or stationed away from home for months—or even years—at a time. These absences make traditional custody arrangements difficult. Courts must plan for what happens when a parent cannot physically care for the child due to military duty.

2. Frequent Relocations

Military families often relocate every two to three years. This can disrupt a child’s schooling, social life, and routine. It also complicates custody orders if parents live in different states or even different countries.

3. Jurisdictional Issues

In civilian divorces, custody cases are typically handled by the state where the child resides. But with military families moving frequently, questions about which state has jurisdiction can arise. The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) provides guidelines, but applying them in military situations can be complex.

4. Emotional Strain on Families

The uncertainty of deployments and relocations can heighten stress for both parents and children. These pressures often play into custody disputes, as each parent may feel strongly about where and how their children should be raised.

Legal Protections for Military Parents

Recognizing these unique challenges, both federal and state laws provide protections for service members in custody and divorce proceedings.

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (SCRA)

The SCRA offers legal protections to military members so they are not disadvantaged in civil proceedings while serving. For custody disputes, this means:

  • Courts may postpone proceedings if a service member cannot attend due to deployment.
  • Service members have the right to request stays or delays to ensure they can participate in their case.

These provisions help ensure that custody decisions are not made unfairly in a parent’s absence.

State Custody Laws and Deployment Provisions

Many states, including Colorado, have laws that specifically address how deployment impacts custody. Typically, these laws:

  • Prevent courts from permanently altering custody arrangements solely because of deployment.
  • Allow temporary modifications during deployment, with the understanding that custody reverts once the service member returns.
  • Permit service members to delegate parenting time to another family member (such as a grandparent) during deployment.

These protections aim to preserve the parent-child relationship despite the realities of military service.

Custody Arrangements in Military Divorce

When courts evaluate custody in a military divorce, the primary focus remains the best interests of the child. However, the realities of military life influence how custody is structured.

Primary vs. Joint Custody

  • Primary Custody: In many military families, the non-military parent may be awarded primary custody due to the service member’s deployment schedule. This provides stability for the child.
  • Joint Custody: Courts still favor joint custody when possible, but practical considerations—such as the military parent’s availability—play a role in how parenting time is divided.

Temporary Custody During Deployment

When a military parent is deployed, temporary custody arrangements are often put in place. These arrangements may include:

  • Allowing the child to stay with the non-military parent full-time.
  • Granting extended visitation to the non-military parent during deployment.
  • Assigning visitation rights to close relatives of the deployed parent if permitted by law.

Parenting Plans and Flexibility

Military divorces often require customized parenting plans that account for deployment and relocation. These plans may include:

  • Provisions for makeup parenting time when the service member returns.
  • Communication arrangements (video calls, letters, or emails) to maintain the parent-child bond during deployment.
  • Flexibility clauses allowing parents to adjust schedules based on duty changes.

The Emotional Impact on Children

Beyond the legal complexities, custody and deployment profoundly affect children. Divorce itself is disruptive, but combined with the absence of a parent due to military service, the emotional toll can be significant.

Common Challenges for Children

  • Separation Anxiety: Long deployments can cause children to feel abandoned or disconnected from the deployed parent.
  • Adjustment Stress: Relocations may force children to repeatedly change schools and social circles.
  • Emotional Uncertainty: Divorce can create insecurity about where the child belongs and how family relationships will function.

Supporting Children Through the Transition

Parents can take proactive steps to minimize the emotional strain:

  • Maintain consistent routines wherever possible.
  • Encourage open communication about the child’s feelings.
  • Use technology to keep the deployed parent present in the child’s life.
  • Seek counseling or support groups for military families.

When both parents prioritize the child’s well-being over disputes, children are better able to adjust.

Best Practices for Military Families Facing Divorce

Successfully navigating custody and deployment during a military divorce requires careful planning and cooperation. Here are some best practices for families:

1. Develop a Detailed Parenting Plan

Anticipate deployment, relocation, and changes in schedule. The more specific the plan, the fewer disputes arise later.

2. Communicate Clearly and Respectfully

Divorce can heighten emotions, but respectful communication helps parents collaborate on custody arrangements. Keeping the focus on the child’s best interests prevents unnecessary conflict.

3. Prioritize the Child’s Stability

Frequent moves or disruptions can negatively affect children. Courts often consider which parent can provide the most stable environment. Parents should strive to minimize transitions.

4. Stay Informed About Legal Rights

Both service members and civilian spouses should understand their rights under SCRA, state laws, and custody statutes. Consulting an experienced family law attorney ensures these rights are protected.

5. Use Mediation When Possible

Mediation allows parents to create flexible solutions that work for their unique family circumstances. It can reduce conflict, save time, and prevent litigation.

How Attorneys Can Help

Military divorce requires specialized knowledge of both family law and military regulations. An experienced attorney can:

  • Explain how state and federal laws apply to your case.
  • Assist with jurisdictional issues when families live in different states.
  • Help draft parenting plans that accommodate deployment and relocation.
  • Represent your interests in court while ensuring the child’s best interests are prioritized.

Legal guidance is essential to ensure custody decisions are fair and workable for both parents and children.

Conclusion: Protecting Families Through Transition

Divorce is never easy, and military families face added challenges when custody and deployment intersect. Service members dedicate their lives to protecting the country, but they should not lose their parental rights because of their duty. At the same time, children deserve stability, love, and support as their family structure changes.

By understanding the legal protections available, planning for deployment, and prioritizing the best interests of the child, military families can navigate divorce with greater confidence. With the right legal and emotional support, parents can create custody arrangements that honor both their responsibilities to their children and to their country.

Divorce vs. Legal Separation: Which Is Right for You?

When a marriage is no longer working, couples are often faced with a difficult question: should they pursue a divorce or consider a legal separation? While both processes allow spouses to live apart and establish legal arrangements regarding finances, property, and children, the outcomes and long-term implications are very different. Understanding the differences between divorce and legal separation can help you decide which path makes the most sense for your unique situation.

What Is Legal Separation?

A legal separation is a court-approved arrangement where a married couple lives apart but remains legally married. It is more than just moving into separate homes—it involves filing a petition with the court and establishing legally binding agreements on issues such as:

  • Child custody and visitation
  • Child support
  • Spousal support (alimony)
  • Division of property and debts

In Colorado, for example, couples must file for legal separation through the court system, much like they would for a divorce. The court issues a decree of legal separation, which formalizes the arrangement.

Why Choose Legal Separation?

For some couples, legal separation is a more suitable option than divorce. Reasons might include:

  1. Religious or Personal Beliefs
     Some faiths strongly discourage or prohibit divorce, making legal separation a way to live independently while respecting those beliefs.
  2. Health Insurance and Benefits
     Remaining legally married can allow one spouse to continue receiving health insurance coverage through the other’s employer or maintain access to certain benefits.
  3. Financial Considerations
     Couples may find that separating legally—while remaining married—allows them to better manage joint financial responsibilities, tax benefits, or retirement benefits.
  4. Uncertainty About Divorce
     For some couples, legal separation provides space and time to determine whether reconciliation is possible, without the finality of divorce.
  5. Residency Requirements
     In certain situations, couples may choose legal separation first if they have not yet met the residency requirements to file for divorce in their state.

What Is Divorce?

Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is the permanent and legal end of a marriage. Once a divorce is finalized, both parties are legally single and free to remarry. Like legal separation, divorce requires court involvement and addresses issues such as:

  • Division of property and debts
  • Child custody and visitation
  • Child support
  • Spousal support

However, unlike legal separation, divorce is final and comes with legal consequences that cannot easily be reversed.

Why Choose Divorce?

Divorce may be the best option if you are ready to move on completely from the marriage. Reasons couples choose divorce include:

  1. Closure and Independence
     Divorce provides a clean break and allows both spouses to fully move forward with their lives.
  2. Ability to Remarry
     Only divorce allows individuals to remarry. For those who want the option of future relationships or marriages, this is essential.
  3. Financial Independence
     Divorce legally severs financial ties between spouses, which can help avoid conflicts over future debts or obligations.
  4. Finality
     For many, the emotional clarity of divorce outweighs the uncertainty of ongoing legal separation.

Key Differences Between Divorce and Legal Separation

While divorce and legal separation may look similar in terms of process, the differences are critical:

AspectDivorceLegal Separation
Marital StatusLegally singleStill legally married
Ability to RemarryYesNo
Insurance & BenefitsUsually ends spousal benefitsSpousal benefits may continue
Financial SeparationComplete division of property/debtsSimilar division, but marriage remains intact
Emotional ClosurePermanentMay leave door open for reconciliation
Religious/Personal ConsiderationsMay conflict with beliefsAllows separation without violating beliefs

How to Decide Between Divorce and Legal Separation

Deciding whether divorce or legal separation is right for you depends on your goals, values, and circumstances. Consider the following questions:

  • Are you certain your marriage is over?
     If reconciliation is not an option, divorce may be best.
  • Do you want the option to remarry?
     If yes, only divorce will allow that.
  • Are there financial or insurance benefits you want to preserve?
     Legal separation might allow you to maintain access to these.
  • Do religious or personal beliefs make divorce difficult?
     Legal separation could be a respectful alternative.
  • Do you need time and space to decide?
     Legal separation provides a trial period without the permanence of divorce.

Ultimately, your choice should reflect both your emotional well-being and your long-term practical needs.

Legal Process for Divorce and Legal Separation in Colorado

In Colorado, both divorce and legal separation follow a similar process:

  1. Filing a Petition – One spouse files paperwork with the court.
  2. Financial Disclosures – Both parties exchange information about assets, debts, and income.
  3. Negotiation/Mediation – Couples attempt to agree on property division, custody, and support.
  4. Court Hearing – If agreements are reached, a judge reviews and approves them. If not, the court makes final decisions.
  5. Final Decree – The court issues either a decree of dissolution (divorce) or a decree of legal separation.

One important note: In Colorado, couples who are legally separated can later convert their separation into a divorce decree after six months if they choose. This flexibility can be helpful for couples who are unsure about their long-term decision.

Conclusion: Choosing the Right Path

Whether divorce or legal separation is right for you depends on your personal circumstances, financial needs, and long-term goals. Both options involve serious legal and emotional considerations, and making the wrong choice can have lasting consequences. That’s why it’s crucial to seek guidance from experienced family law attorneys who can help you navigate the process and make informed decisions.

At Divorce Matters, we understand how difficult these choices can be. Our compassionate and knowledgeable team has helped countless individuals in Colorado determine the best path forward for their families. Whether you’re considering legal separation, divorce, or simply exploring your options, we are here to guide you every step of the way.

Parenting Mistakes To Avoid When Going Through Divorce

Emily Ahnell - Partner and Managing Attorney

Divorce can be difficult on your family but it is extremely important not to find yourself hurting your children in the process. They are most important to protect during this time of transition and there are a few things to remind yourself of every time you are interacting with them.

First, make sure you understand the terms of your custody agreement. If you want to make changes be sure to go through the proper channels to make those changes. If you feel like your custody agreement isn’t being honored or you’d like to make changes, contact your divorce attorney for more information.

Second, don’t try and force them to take sides between you and your ex, no matter what your situation is. They are too young to be handling anything of this emotional magnitude and as their parent it is your place to protect them from this strife as much as possible. To them, they still have two parents and might want to keep it that way no matter what you want. Allow them the space to express what they want without trying to influence them.

Another very important piece of advice to follow, do not bad mouth your ex-partner in front of your children. Not only can this be psychologically damaging to them, but it can also cause rifts between you and them or your spouse and them. This action can come back to hurt you in future custody proceedings.

Finally, try to not let the stress of the divorce and its toll on you affect your relationship with your children. As difficult as it may be right now, protecting your relationship with your children is paramount and your children can be a source of comfort and love.

Co-Parenting during Special Occasions

All too often, the idea of a shared event in a child’s life ”“ for example, a birthday or a graduation ”“ can bring anxiety to divorced parents when they realize they will have to see their exes at the occasion. No doubt you want to be present for your child’s achievement, and the child benefits from the affirmation of both parents attending. But the logistics of the visit can be harsh, especially if you do not see eye to eye with your ex.

When tensions are high between you and your ex, there are constructive ways of dealing with it that can help prevent a flare up between the two of you. One way is by creating buffers ”“ arriving early to find separate seating, for example, or inviting friends and family to dissipate the negative atmosphere. This limited contact can keep animosity out of the picture so that both you and your ex can do what you are supposed to ”“ support and recognize your child’s achievements.

If you plan on celebrating post-event and your ex will be present, do your best to maintain a low key attitude toward your ex. Light conversation and focusing on the child will help keep your issues with your ex under wraps ”“ this is definitely not a time to discuss child support or other divorce-related contentions. This is another place where having other friends and relatives present can help ”“ if you can keep your child talking, you can avoid awkwardness with your ex.

You could also consider holding celebrations separately. Graduation parties, for example, can be held on different days with different sides of the family.

No matter what, these days are not about you or your ex. They are about your child. Placing your focus on him or her is the easiest way to avoid conflict.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Making the Most of Non-custodial Parenting

Being the non-custodial parent can be challenging. It is a drastic change from spending your day-to-day life with your child to limited visits, and coping with this shift can be frustrating. However, just because you no longer get to spend as much time with your child does not mean you cannot still be an important part of the child’s life.

There are lots of parents in your shoes, so we’ve compiled some advice from non-custodial parents to help ease the transition for you.

Understand and exercise your rights as the non-custodial parent. Make sure that you’ve made time to visit when you are allowed. If you are able to speak on the phone or text message each other, take advantage of that. Do you have access to school and medical records? Use that access! Keeping close tabs on your child allows you to be involved in his or her day-to-day life while also providing you useful information if, in the future, you decide to modify the custody agreement.

Work with the other parent. Do not harbor resentment for your ex, even if you feel like the custody situation is his or her fault. The easier you make the change for the other parent, the more accommodating he or she will be to you when you want time with your child. Co-parenting is not only best for you and your ex, but for the child as well.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your situation, focus on what is right. Spending time with your child should be a happy, memorable experience, and as long as you keep a positive outlook and make sure that you fully utilize your time together, the memories you make will overshadow any negativity you might feel toward being the non-custodial parent.

The transition will be difficult, but if you handle it correctly, being the non-custodial parent should not serve as a detriment to your relationship with your child. If your custody arrangement still proves unsatisfactory, though, you can always speak to a family law attorney about custody modification.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

How to Deal with Exes and Parenting Issues Post-Divorce

Our Twitter feed has been full of great tips for dealing with ex-spouses this week! Whether emotionally or legally, dealing with your ex after your divorce can be a bumpy””but often necessary””ride. The most common reason an ex stays in your life after the relationship ends is shared custody of the kids. If you have children together, your life will likely never be completely free of a former spouse””even after the kids enter adulthood.

Maintaining a civil relationship with an ex””in most cases, except instances of abuse or violence””can benefit everyone involved, particularly children. It may not always be easy, but here are a few tips for dealing with an ex in ways that everyone can live with:

  • Do not badmouth your ex in front of your kids: Face it””everyone is human. And all of us are tempted at times to express anger, frustration, annoyance, or sadness when the kids are going to visit the ex. For your children’s sake””and for your own mental health””please refrain. Seriously. It will not help you, and it certainly is not good for the children to feel stuck in the middle. In fact, try and go the opposite direction. Be generous. Let your children know your ex””their mother or father””loves them as much as you do, even if””inside your head””you have negative thoughts. Try to remember that the most important people in this relationship are your children. They will watch your actions as well as listen to your words. And it is not just the kids who will benefit. Avoiding arguments, harsh words, and negative emotions will reduce your own stress. Find someone to confide in””a good friend, family member, or therapist””and save your negative thoughts for a better setting and recipient.
  • Adjust to changes and be understanding: Your ex is dealing with his or her life too. There may be times when he or she is late for the children’s drop-off and pick-up. Or maybe there is a work conflict or an after-school activity to navigate around. Try to be flexible and understanding. Life happens, so be open to changes and adjust as best you can. If unplanned changes to parenting schedules and visits seem to be happening often, it might be time to review arrangements. If your ex is late to a few drop-offs, the world will not end; however, if it is a precursor to more serious behaviors or habits, consider whether there will be long-term effects. Again, the most important person here is your child. Will this behavior eventually impact your child negatively? If not, do your best to be flexible, even when it is hard.
  • Find neutral help: If you are finding it beyond difficult to maintain civility””and believe us, it happens””find someone who can act as a go-between or mediator for you. This can be a friend or family member, but it should be someone who both of you like and respect””and importantly, someone who can be neutral. This neutral party could then attend drop-offs and pick-ups or any additional meetings between the two of you regarding your child’s upbringing. Often, involving someone who is not directly affected can defuse a tense situation and keep everyone calm.
  • Keep the lines of communication open: Whether your child is having a hard time adjusting to the divorce, is involved in sports that bring frequent schedule changes, or even is having problems in school””you and your ex will need to be able to communicate. The first step is to find the communication style that works for both of you. It could be that email is easiest because face-to-face dredges up too many emotions. It could be that you need a neutral third party we discussed above. Either is fine. Just pick what works for you and the kids and make sure to keep talking. If you see a potential problem at your home with your child, make sure you let the other parent know. If your child is interested in joining a sport, and the games will require out-of-state travel, talk to each other. Communication in any fashion that reduces stress, prevents misunderstanding and ensures both parents know all they need to know to effectively address a child’s needs is the ultimate goal.

Conclusion

Your marriage may have ended, but you will always have your kids in common””and that means a little extra challenge when you are adjusting to life as ex-partners. Whether it is scheduling joint attendance at events, juggling the challenges of daily scheduling or child-rearing challenges, you and your ex will want to develop new””and perhaps unexpected””coping and communication skills to make sure children grow up with as much involvement and interaction from both parents as possible, despite the divorce.