What to Do When You Kid Chooses Your Ex

Divorce is full of heartbreak and stress, especially when kids are involved. But even when a divorce is long since passed, there are still some words that can shatter a parent’s world. Perhaps one of the worst things a parent can hear from his or her child is that the child wants to move in with the other parent.

This usually happens during adolescence. The kid always has reasons ”“ maybe they have more friends over at Dad’s house, or maybe Mom has more money. It could be a simple matter of “the grass is always greener” syndrome. No matter the reason, those words can lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment. They can make a parent question what they did wrong as a parent, or why the kid prefers to be at the other house.

If your kid has expressed a desire to move in with the other parent, try not to let your emotions get the best of you.

  • As with any matter involving separation or divorce, do not use this as an opportunity to bash your ex. Your child should never be put into a position where they have to choose sides, and badmouthing your ex can actually paint you in a negative light.
  • Discuss changes in visitation (parenting time, as we call it in Colorado) with your attorney. If parental rights have already been established in court, you will have to reconsider the current parenting arrangement.
  • As heartbreaking as it might be for you, respect your child’s decisions. Your job as a parent is to provide a supportive and positive environment for your child, even if that means letting go.
  • These days, it is incredibly easy to remain in meaningful contact with your child, even if they are far away. Apps like Skype and Facetime can allow you to chat with your child face to face, even from halfway across the world. Call often and make an effort to stick to your visitation. Your child still needs you, even if you are not the primary custodian.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

4 Signs Your Child is Struggling with Your Divorce

Kids are incredibly strong-willed, but divorce can hit them hard. Especially in younger kids, divorce is a very confusing thing and it can be hard to understand. And with all of the stresses that come from divorce, sometimes parents will miss some key signs that their kids are struggling. If you notice any of the following behaviors in your kids, you should take steps to make sure your kids are okay:

  • If you notice that your child’s grades are slipping, this is a sure sign that the divorce is distracting him or her from learning. To remedy this, you can schedule a conference with both your child and his or her teacher. Helping the teacher understand the reason for your child’s struggles can lead to accommodations that can help keep your child focused and productive, and having the child along shows the child that you care about his or her education and are willing to work closely with all involved parties to ensure that they do well in school.
  • Keep watch over your child’s relationship with his or her siblings, especially older ones. Because kids can react so differently to divorce, ignoring the interactions between your children can cause a lot of problems. Children might take sides; this behavior should be discouraged. Additionally, be wary about giving older children too much jurisdiction over the younger ones. Remember, you are the parent ”“ it is fine to give the kids extra housework to pick up the slack, but you should not have your older children take on a parenting role.
  • Keep watch over what the kids do in their free time. Younger children may need extra support during play time; school children might engage in destructive behavior like violence toward classmates on the playground, or stealing. Adolescents may exhibit delinquent behavior (truancy, for example) or become antisocial.
  • In older children especially, be wary of dramatic changes in the child’s outlook. Depression and low self-esteem can seriously lower your child’s quality of life. This depression can lead to destructive behaviors, such as smoking or drug and alcohol use.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Tips for Creating a Child Visitation Schedule

One key way of reducing the potential for conflict when it comes to a child custody situation is penning a visitation schedule that works for both parents as well as the child. A stable schedule can help parents and children avoid confusion about who has custody and when.

The most basic visitation schedule is the repeating cycle. For many parents, this will involve one parent having custody during the week when the child is in school and the other parent having custody on weekends. Depending on the distance between the two homes, this schedule is very flexible. The benefit of a repeating schedule is the ability to plan events and vacations far in advance without the headache of renegotiating custody.

Holidays, Special Occasions and Vacations

A consideration you will have to make when defining a visitation schedule is holidays. You should plan these far in advance and look to both work schedules and your child’s school schedule to determine the most appropriate arrangement. Depending on what days the holidays fall on as well as whether the parents are members of different religions can make this step a bit more complicated, which is why planning far in advance is the best course of action.

The next consideration to make is vacation time and special occasions. Birthdays, graduations and leaving the country are all times you should add to your calendar. With things like birthdays and graduation, it is easy to plan in advance, so you should do so; vacations, on the other hand, can be more impromptu. You must discuss these with your spouse before you finalize plans to ensure that a satisfactory custody arrangement can be made. If you wish to take your children for a week’s vacation in the Bahamas, you should be willing to concede a week to your ex as well; compromise is key to ensuring that a visitation schedule is best for the kids.

The common theme in these considerations is planning ahead. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry; because of this, you should always be willing to listen to your ex and work together to create the best possible schedule.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

How to Handle Visitation with Teenagers

When your child reaches adolescence, you might find that the terms of visitation you worked out while he or she was younger no longer work in the child’s interest. If your divorce is recent and you already have teenagers, the prospect of working out a schedule that allows you, your ex and your child’s lives to balance can be daunting.

When plotting a visitation schedule for teens, you have to take into account what your teen wants. Teens have to balance time between friends, school, sports and other extracurriculars, dating and work. If your visitation schedule precludes any of these things, in all likelihood you will be met with resentment on top of the already monumental task of raising teens.

This time can be especially difficult for a non-custodial parent. Teen schedules can be hectic; school from morning to afternoon, extracurriculars until 5pm, work even later. Because the non-custodial parent has limited time, it is important to set up some minimum time per month with the non-custodial parent.

If your teen has some event during your visitation time ”“ a dance, for example, on a Saturday night when you have custody ”“ don’t tell the teen they can’t attend because you want to see them. Take them to the dance yourself, and pick them up ”“ be flexible, and spend what time you can with them.

During this period of independence and self-realization, it is still important that you see your teen, and your teen will appreciate your willingness to compromise to allow him or her to pursue his or her own growth.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Co-Parenting during Special Occasions

All too often, the idea of a shared event in a child’s life ”“ for example, a birthday or a graduation ”“ can bring anxiety to divorced parents when they realize they will have to see their exes at the occasion. No doubt you want to be present for your child’s achievement, and the child benefits from the affirmation of both parents attending. But the logistics of the visit can be harsh, especially if you do not see eye to eye with your ex.

When tensions are high between you and your ex, there are constructive ways of dealing with it that can help prevent a flare up between the two of you. One way is by creating buffers ”“ arriving early to find separate seating, for example, or inviting friends and family to dissipate the negative atmosphere. This limited contact can keep animosity out of the picture so that both you and your ex can do what you are supposed to ”“ support and recognize your child’s achievements.

If you plan on celebrating post-event and your ex will be present, do your best to maintain a low key attitude toward your ex. Light conversation and focusing on the child will help keep your issues with your ex under wraps ”“ this is definitely not a time to discuss child support or other divorce-related contentions. This is another place where having other friends and relatives present can help ”“ if you can keep your child talking, you can avoid awkwardness with your ex.

You could also consider holding celebrations separately. Graduation parties, for example, can be held on different days with different sides of the family.

No matter what, these days are not about you or your ex. They are about your child. Placing your focus on him or her is the easiest way to avoid conflict.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Making the Most of Non-custodial Parenting

Being the non-custodial parent can be challenging. It is a drastic change from spending your day-to-day life with your child to limited visits, and coping with this shift can be frustrating. However, just because you no longer get to spend as much time with your child does not mean you cannot still be an important part of the child’s life.

There are lots of parents in your shoes, so we’ve compiled some advice from non-custodial parents to help ease the transition for you.

Understand and exercise your rights as the non-custodial parent. Make sure that you’ve made time to visit when you are allowed. If you are able to speak on the phone or text message each other, take advantage of that. Do you have access to school and medical records? Use that access! Keeping close tabs on your child allows you to be involved in his or her day-to-day life while also providing you useful information if, in the future, you decide to modify the custody agreement.

Work with the other parent. Do not harbor resentment for your ex, even if you feel like the custody situation is his or her fault. The easier you make the change for the other parent, the more accommodating he or she will be to you when you want time with your child. Co-parenting is not only best for you and your ex, but for the child as well.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your situation, focus on what is right. Spending time with your child should be a happy, memorable experience, and as long as you keep a positive outlook and make sure that you fully utilize your time together, the memories you make will overshadow any negativity you might feel toward being the non-custodial parent.

The transition will be difficult, but if you handle it correctly, being the non-custodial parent should not serve as a detriment to your relationship with your child. If your custody arrangement still proves unsatisfactory, though, you can always speak to a family law attorney about custody modification.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Do Grandparents Have a Right to Visitation after Divorce?

Grandparents have a couple of options when it comes to establishing parental or visitation rights with their grandchildren. Visitation rights can be granted under three circumstances: when the child’s parents are divorced or the court has issued a decree of legal separation, when the child is in the custody of someone who is not his or her parent or when the parent who is the child of the grandparents has died.

Fulfilling one of the above criteria does not necessarily guarantee a grandparent will be able to visit his or her grandchild. For example, if the parents do not wish to grant visitation to the grandparents because of a falling out, there is nothing the courts can do to force them. If the child is being adopted, grandparents also do not hold any rights to visitation. (However, this is not true of stepparent adoptions.)

For a grandparent to obtain child custody, the possibilities are narrower. The grandparent can only bring the case to court in situations where the child is living with someone other than a parent or where the child has lived with the grandparents for more than six months.

Once a grandparent is able to prove that he or she has standing for visitation or custody rights, the court will determine a course of action based on the best interest of the child. Parent wants, child wants, the child’s relationship with his or her guardians, the child’s comfort level in the current environment, the physical and mental health of the child’s guardians ”“ the decision is complex and involved.

Getting custody of a child as a grandparent can be difficult. Contact a family law attorney if you are seeking custody of a grandchild.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

New Adoption Bills Help Colorado Families

Adoption has changed quite a bit in the last couple years in Colorado. In 2014, the government passed Senate Bill 51, which provided the means for adoptees to obtain records like original birth certificates held within state agency and court files. It also passed House Bill 1042, which provided access for birth parents to relinquishment documents signed at the time of adoption, as well as other records.

The adoption landscape changed once again this past March, when the Colorado General Assembly passed HB 1106 and HB 1355.

New Adoption Rules for Colorado

Some judges claimed that the 2014 adoption rules introduced uncertainties in the process of obtaining adoption records. HB 1106 defined the rules more clearly, stating that the records released under SB 51 and HB 1042 could not have identifying information redacted.

HB 1355, known as the Heritage Act, gives access to adoption records to people who were wards of the state as minors even if they were never adopted. This allows former wards to seek out adult siblings through the wards’ original birth certificates.

Some adoption agencies and Catholic organizations pushed back against the new laws, worried that removing the barriers to open records would result in lost birth parent privacy and incidents of unwanted contact from adoptees.

Prior to the enactment of these new laws, requests to open records were rarely granted; according to one attorney, there had to be a matter of life or death before records would be unsealed.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

How Can a Parenting Intermediary Help Me after Divorce?

Divorce is hard; when children are in the picture, it only gets harder.

That is why many co-parents will enlist the services of a parenting intermediary. A parenting intermediary is a person who maintains neutrality between co-parents in order to observe their behavior and to act as a peacemaker between them. Parenting intermediaries can provide significant benefits to divorced parents and help to reduce conflict within the family.

The main goal of a parenting intermediary is to teach parents to understand how to be more aware of the child’s needs above their own. Because an intermediary has an outside perspective on parenting, he or she can walk the parents through any issue that needs to be resolved in an effective manner.

Intermediaries and Parenting Plans

Coming up with a custody arrangement can be one of the most stressful and difficult tasks for divorcing co-parents. Meeting with an intermediary is the perfect way for co-parents to discuss a custody plan in a civil and reasonable manner. For a newly divorcing couple, agreeing with one another on the issues of child custody is very challenging; an intermediary will help you see past one another’s differences so that a parenting plan can be created that best suits the child.

The work of an intermediary does not stop at the creation of the parenting plan; in fact, sometimes it is just as hard to enforce a custody agreement as it is to draft one. If a dispute arises, your intermediary can help cool the fires. After all, conflict is bad for the kids; it is your responsibility as a parent to keep your children away from conflict, and an intermediary can help you do just that.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Avoiding Parental Alienation Syndrome

Did you know that there is a psychological term for the effects on children of pitting one parent against the other?

It is called “parental alienation syndrome.” During the divorce process, it is tragically common for one parent to use a child as a weapon against the other parent. This happens more often in contentious divorces, and even little actions can cause parental alienation syndrome. Children experiencing this condition may exhibit one or more of the following effects:

  • The child may become obsessed with hatred for one of the parents; we’ll call this parent the “target parent”
  • The child may claim that his or her feelings toward the target parent were his or her own, and that the other parent had nothing to do with the feelings of ill will
  • The child may lack remorse for treating the target parent poorly
  • Similarly, the child may take the non-target parent’s side during arguments
  • The child may make false accusations against the target parent
  • The child may extend his or her hatred to other members of the target parent’s family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and even siblings

Parental alienation is detrimental to a child’s well-being. It can lead to hatred or fear of the target parent, which can lead to long-term emotional and mental health damage. As the child grows and his or her understanding of the world builds, the child may even turn the resentment around on the other parent. Confusion, feelings of rejection and abandonment and low self-esteem can follow the affected child for years or even decades.

It is so incredibly important to protect your children during a divorce. Part of that protection involves keeping them out of adult matters between you and your spouse. Never badmouth your ex in front of the kids, and never fight in front of them. If the divorce is so contentious that you find it difficult not to involve the children, consider separation and mediation.

It is normal for children to feel like they must choose a side during divorce. You should emphasize that choosing a side is not important and that both parents love them equally. Teaching your child critical thinking skills and the value of evaluating situations before making decisions can prevent the negative effects of parental alienation.

It is also valuable to teach children coping skills to prepare them for possible conflict. Not only will it help them through a difficult divorce, but it will help them grow up and learn to constructively deal with problems when they are away from you.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys