Who Keeps The Embryos? Colorado Divorcing Couple Spar Over IVF

The question of child custody is a fairly routine one in divorce cases, but definitely not like this.

A case currently pending before the Colorado Court of Appeals pits two parties against one another in a divorce case. The issue? Who gets control of the cryopreserved embryos the couple has left over from in-vitro fertilization?

Mandy and Drake Rooks divorced in 2014. They already had three children, all conceived through in-vitro fertilization. As is usually the case, the couple had a few leftover embryos, which were kept frozen. After the divorce, though, Mandy wanted to use the embryos to have a fourth child, something that she said Drake agreed to during the marriage. Drake, on the other hand, said no. Mandy could not have a fourth child biologically through any other means, because she had no more viable eggs.

This is not the first time such a custody battle has happened. A Michigan couple once underwent a legal battle over five frozen embryos in very similar circumstances. The father did not want more children, while the mother did. The judge ended up ruling in favor of the father, citing that he had a choice of whether or not he wanted more children.

In the Colorado case, the court ruled against Mandy on the basis of consent. Because Drake was unwilling to allow his genetic material to be used for Mandy to have another child, she could not force him. Additionally, the Rooks’ child support agreement stipulated that any child under Mandy’s care would lead to an increase in Drake’s payments, which would be unfair to him if Mandy were to have a child with his genetic material against his consent.

Our Denver divorce lawyers are well-equipped to handle all matters of child custody.

Should I Base My Divorce Demands On Other Divorcees’ Settlements?

How much of your marital assets are you owed in your divorce? If it is your first time going through divorce, you might not have any idea what to expect when your assets are divided and the divorce is finalized. Will you get the house? The car? How much of the joint savings will go to you? Retirement funds? Stock options? It’s a lot to think about!

Naturally, your best bet in learning what to expect is to speak to someone who knows ”“ but that doesn’t mean speak to other divorcees to see what they got in their divorce settlements. Maybe your best friend or your sister have gone through this before, and you’re curious to see how well off they were after divorce ”“ but they are not the ones you should be basing your expectations on. Here’s why.

Stop Listening To Your Friends””Every Divorce Is Different

If you start probing into the lives of friends, friends-of-friends or family members who have gotten divorced, you might not stop to think that there is no one-size-fits-all divorce settlement. Maybe you are planning on paying a certain amount of child support, until you hear from your cousin that his friend doesn’t have to pay any at all, despite having less time with the kids than you do. Or perhaps you make much more money than your spouse but don’t think it’s fair that you will be paying temporary spousal maintenance while your brother didn’t have to when he got divorced.

It is important to remember you are only hearing one side of the story, and you are lacking the full set of facts. It’s easy to think that you are being given a bum deal in divorce when it seems like everyone around you is doing great.

You should talk to someone about what you want in a divorce, and what you think is fair ”“ but that someone should be an attorney, not Jane Doe who lives at the other end of your street. Don’t be afraid to ask your attorney questions about how divorce works in Colorado and why the terms of your divorce are the way they are. If you don’t understand the documents, speak up. If you don’t know why you have to pay alimony, speak up. Knowledge is power, and ultimately your goal should be to ensure a fair divorce settlement. Don’t get angry because of the way other peoples’ divorces go ”“ they are not you, and their divorce is not the same as yours.

Our Denver divorce attorneys offer mediation services for prospective divorce clients and are committed to ensuring equitable distribution of assets in your divorce.

How Do I Tell My Kids About The Divorce?

For many divorcing couples, the most heartbreaking part is worrying about how the split will affect the kids. The divorcing adults may understand that this is for the best, but children may only see the immediate effect: a breakdown of the family. When it comes time to tell the kids about the divorce, keep the following in mind.

  1. Plan it out with your ex beforehand. Even if you detest your ex with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, you need to find a way to put that aside when it comes to breaking the news to your kids. Sit down in the same room with your ex and plan out exactly what you want to say and what details you may want to leave out.
  2. Be definitive. If you aren’t completely sure that you and your spouse are getting a divorce, don’t have this talk! When things are up in the air, this is usually more upsetting than the finality of divorce, which can come as a relief to kids with unhappy parents.
  3. Avoid blame. No matter who did what that led to the dissolution of the marriage, keep that miles away from the kids. That’s between the two of you.
  4. Take the high road. Stay away from snarky, sarcastic digs at your spouse while you’re having this talk. Be an adult.
  5. Stick to the facts. Be as honest as possible about why Mom and Dad aren’t together anymore. “We work better separately rather than together.” “We tried to make it work, but we aren’t happy in this relationship together.” And be honest, explaining the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Admit things will be different going forward, but everything will be okay.
  6. Reassure your kids that your kids that they are loved, and you are still a family. “Things might be changing, but we both love you so much. We’re still your parents, still Mom and Dad, just not husband and wife anymore.” Make it clear that this is the best choice for the family, that staying together while unhappy sets a bad example for the kids.
  7. Go in with no expectations. Each kid reacts differently to the news. Some older or more perceptive kids see it coming. Others are surprised, and react with sharp emotions. With multiple children, one may try to be strong for the sake of the others.
  8. Keep the conversation going. This is the first of many talks you’ll have with your kids about the state of the family. Consider counseling, either with the parent or just the child separately. Answer any questions they have as honestly as possible, while still sticking to the ground rules both parents agreed upon.

Our Denver divorce attorneys understand that divorce can overwhelm a family. We take care of the legal stuff so you can focus on the next stage of your life.

4 Ways to Share the Kids on Thanksgiving

When you share custody of the kids, invariably one of the issues that will come up around Thanksgiving is which parent will get to see the kids. They can’t be in two places at once, and it’s natural for both parents to want to celebrate with their family.

This situation isn’t just difficult for the parents. The kids also suffer. If they’re younger, they might feel saddened that they won’t be able to see one parent. If they’re older, they might feel guilty about having to make a choice between their parents. This kind of stress is antithetical to the spirit of the holidays.

Ways to Share Custody

  • The simple option is to split the day. Perhaps one parent has the kids for the morning and lunch, and the other parent has them over for dinner. If you are able to work with your ex on scheduling, this could prevent your kids from having to make that awkward choice of which parent to be with.
  • If you are fine with celebrating on a different day than the actual holiday, then that is also an excellent way of making sure the kids get to see both parents. The day before or the day after (for those who become hermits during the madness of Black Friday) are typical choices.
  • If you and your ex are on speaking terms, why not celebrate together? After all, you both have the same thing to be thankful for ”“ your wonderful children. If you can handle it, then it also affects the psychological well-being of your children in a positive way. It shows them that you are able to set aside your differences for their happiness.
  • If it is impossible for the kids to see both parents on the same day (for example, you and your ex live in different states or even countries), make an effort for the other spouse to be included in the celebration somehow. A nice gift basket and a long Skype call lets the kids know that they are in your or your spouse’s thoughts.

Contact a Denver Family Law Attorney That Will Advocate for Your Child Custody Case

The team at Divorce Matters is committed to ensuring you get the custody you deserve! Contact them today for help.

What to Do When You Kid Chooses Your Ex

Divorce is full of heartbreak and stress, especially when kids are involved. But even when a divorce is long since passed, there are still some words that can shatter a parent’s world. Perhaps one of the worst things a parent can hear from his or her child is that the child wants to move in with the other parent.

This usually happens during adolescence. The kid always has reasons ”“ maybe they have more friends over at Dad’s house, or maybe Mom has more money. It could be a simple matter of “the grass is always greener” syndrome. No matter the reason, those words can lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment. They can make a parent question what they did wrong as a parent, or why the kid prefers to be at the other house.

If your kid has expressed a desire to move in with the other parent, try not to let your emotions get the best of you.

  • As with any matter involving separation or divorce, do not use this as an opportunity to bash your ex. Your child should never be put into a position where they have to choose sides, and badmouthing your ex can actually paint you in a negative light.
  • Discuss changes in visitation (parenting time, as we call it in Colorado) with your attorney. If parental rights have already been established in court, you will have to reconsider the current parenting arrangement.
  • As heartbreaking as it might be for you, respect your child’s decisions. Your job as a parent is to provide a supportive and positive environment for your child, even if that means letting go.
  • These days, it is incredibly easy to remain in meaningful contact with your child, even if they are far away. Apps like Skype and Facetime can allow you to chat with your child face to face, even from halfway across the world. Call often and make an effort to stick to your visitation. Your child still needs you, even if you are not the primary custodian.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

4 Signs Your Child is Struggling with Your Divorce

Kids are incredibly strong-willed, but divorce can hit them hard. Especially in younger kids, divorce is a very confusing thing and it can be hard to understand. And with all of the stresses that come from divorce, sometimes parents will miss some key signs that their kids are struggling. If you notice any of the following behaviors in your kids, you should take steps to make sure your kids are okay:

  • If you notice that your child’s grades are slipping, this is a sure sign that the divorce is distracting him or her from learning. To remedy this, you can schedule a conference with both your child and his or her teacher. Helping the teacher understand the reason for your child’s struggles can lead to accommodations that can help keep your child focused and productive, and having the child along shows the child that you care about his or her education and are willing to work closely with all involved parties to ensure that they do well in school.
  • Keep watch over your child’s relationship with his or her siblings, especially older ones. Because kids can react so differently to divorce, ignoring the interactions between your children can cause a lot of problems. Children might take sides; this behavior should be discouraged. Additionally, be wary about giving older children too much jurisdiction over the younger ones. Remember, you are the parent ”“ it is fine to give the kids extra housework to pick up the slack, but you should not have your older children take on a parenting role.
  • Keep watch over what the kids do in their free time. Younger children may need extra support during play time; school children might engage in destructive behavior like violence toward classmates on the playground, or stealing. Adolescents may exhibit delinquent behavior (truancy, for example) or become antisocial.
  • In older children especially, be wary of dramatic changes in the child’s outlook. Depression and low self-esteem can seriously lower your child’s quality of life. This depression can lead to destructive behaviors, such as smoking or drug and alcohol use.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Tips for Creating a Child Visitation Schedule

One key way of reducing the potential for conflict when it comes to a child custody situation is penning a visitation schedule that works for both parents as well as the child. A stable schedule can help parents and children avoid confusion about who has custody and when.

The most basic visitation schedule is the repeating cycle. For many parents, this will involve one parent having custody during the week when the child is in school and the other parent having custody on weekends. Depending on the distance between the two homes, this schedule is very flexible. The benefit of a repeating schedule is the ability to plan events and vacations far in advance without the headache of renegotiating custody.

Holidays, Special Occasions and Vacations

A consideration you will have to make when defining a visitation schedule is holidays. You should plan these far in advance and look to both work schedules and your child’s school schedule to determine the most appropriate arrangement. Depending on what days the holidays fall on as well as whether the parents are members of different religions can make this step a bit more complicated, which is why planning far in advance is the best course of action.

The next consideration to make is vacation time and special occasions. Birthdays, graduations and leaving the country are all times you should add to your calendar. With things like birthdays and graduation, it is easy to plan in advance, so you should do so; vacations, on the other hand, can be more impromptu. You must discuss these with your spouse before you finalize plans to ensure that a satisfactory custody arrangement can be made. If you wish to take your children for a week’s vacation in the Bahamas, you should be willing to concede a week to your ex as well; compromise is key to ensuring that a visitation schedule is best for the kids.

The common theme in these considerations is planning ahead. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry; because of this, you should always be willing to listen to your ex and work together to create the best possible schedule.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

How to Handle Visitation with Teenagers

When your child reaches adolescence, you might find that the terms of visitation you worked out while he or she was younger no longer work in the child’s interest. If your divorce is recent and you already have teenagers, the prospect of working out a schedule that allows you, your ex and your child’s lives to balance can be daunting.

When plotting a visitation schedule for teens, you have to take into account what your teen wants. Teens have to balance time between friends, school, sports and other extracurriculars, dating and work. If your visitation schedule precludes any of these things, in all likelihood you will be met with resentment on top of the already monumental task of raising teens.

This time can be especially difficult for a non-custodial parent. Teen schedules can be hectic; school from morning to afternoon, extracurriculars until 5pm, work even later. Because the non-custodial parent has limited time, it is important to set up some minimum time per month with the non-custodial parent.

If your teen has some event during your visitation time ”“ a dance, for example, on a Saturday night when you have custody ”“ don’t tell the teen they can’t attend because you want to see them. Take them to the dance yourself, and pick them up ”“ be flexible, and spend what time you can with them.

During this period of independence and self-realization, it is still important that you see your teen, and your teen will appreciate your willingness to compromise to allow him or her to pursue his or her own growth.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Co-Parenting during Special Occasions

All too often, the idea of a shared event in a child’s life ”“ for example, a birthday or a graduation ”“ can bring anxiety to divorced parents when they realize they will have to see their exes at the occasion. No doubt you want to be present for your child’s achievement, and the child benefits from the affirmation of both parents attending. But the logistics of the visit can be harsh, especially if you do not see eye to eye with your ex.

When tensions are high between you and your ex, there are constructive ways of dealing with it that can help prevent a flare up between the two of you. One way is by creating buffers ”“ arriving early to find separate seating, for example, or inviting friends and family to dissipate the negative atmosphere. This limited contact can keep animosity out of the picture so that both you and your ex can do what you are supposed to ”“ support and recognize your child’s achievements.

If you plan on celebrating post-event and your ex will be present, do your best to maintain a low key attitude toward your ex. Light conversation and focusing on the child will help keep your issues with your ex under wraps ”“ this is definitely not a time to discuss child support or other divorce-related contentions. This is another place where having other friends and relatives present can help ”“ if you can keep your child talking, you can avoid awkwardness with your ex.

You could also consider holding celebrations separately. Graduation parties, for example, can be held on different days with different sides of the family.

No matter what, these days are not about you or your ex. They are about your child. Placing your focus on him or her is the easiest way to avoid conflict.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys

Making the Most of Non-custodial Parenting

Being the non-custodial parent can be challenging. It is a drastic change from spending your day-to-day life with your child to limited visits, and coping with this shift can be frustrating. However, just because you no longer get to spend as much time with your child does not mean you cannot still be an important part of the child’s life.

There are lots of parents in your shoes, so we’ve compiled some advice from non-custodial parents to help ease the transition for you.

Understand and exercise your rights as the non-custodial parent. Make sure that you’ve made time to visit when you are allowed. If you are able to speak on the phone or text message each other, take advantage of that. Do you have access to school and medical records? Use that access! Keeping close tabs on your child allows you to be involved in his or her day-to-day life while also providing you useful information if, in the future, you decide to modify the custody agreement.

Work with the other parent. Do not harbor resentment for your ex, even if you feel like the custody situation is his or her fault. The easier you make the change for the other parent, the more accommodating he or she will be to you when you want time with your child. Co-parenting is not only best for you and your ex, but for the child as well.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your situation, focus on what is right. Spending time with your child should be a happy, memorable experience, and as long as you keep a positive outlook and make sure that you fully utilize your time together, the memories you make will overshadow any negativity you might feel toward being the non-custodial parent.

The transition will be difficult, but if you handle it correctly, being the non-custodial parent should not serve as a detriment to your relationship with your child. If your custody arrangement still proves unsatisfactory, though, you can always speak to a family law attorney about custody modification.

Divorce Matters ”“ Denver Family Law Attorneys