5 Ways Dads Can Teach Kids to be Grateful

There are a number of ways to help you children appreciate what they have around them. In a world of text messaging, social media, and celebrity glorification, teach your children that strong character is one of the most important traits to possess.

1. Take kids to volunteer
Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community while teaching your children about compassion and helping others who are less fortunate. There are a large number of organizations that you can work with, choose one that will be a good fit for your family.

2. Give them a sense of community
Community means working together to accomplish group goals. Having your children work around the home for a common goal is a great way to help foster a team mentality. Mowing the yard, vacuuming, dusting, doing laundry, etc. are all great ways of letting children know they can be productive around the home. You can use this to teach them small lessons disguised as chores. Taking care of the home will also help build strong long-term habits for later in life, when your kids have their own families.

3. Teach them the difference between doing a job and doing a job well
One lesson that takes most adolescents a long time to learn is that doing and job and doing a job well are very different things. Teach them that doing the job, to the best of your ability the first time, will save them time in the long run and give them a sense of accomplishment. Doing a mediocre job will, more than likely, cause you to revisit the project and re-do some part of the work you already spent time on. Save yourself the extra work and frustration by doing your best, the first time.

4. Teach them that defeat is a mindset
There’s a saying that goes something like: “Defeat is a state of mind. No one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” This can have a profound impact on the life of anyone who truly believes the saying. Being defeated is a temporary state of mind that isn’t a final destination. Give them the courage and support to get back up, every time they fall.

5. Say what you mean, mean what you say
This is a topic that could benefit anyone on the planet. Show young ones that doing what you said you will do, when you said you will do it, can get you a long way. Too often people give their word and make promises that go unfulfilled. Make sure that you lead by example and follow through with the actions you have committed to. Making this a habit early in life will help form a young adult with character.

Make sure that you children know that you value them. Even if parental relationships are strained, your children will know that your feelings for them will not change. If the time comes where parents separate, you can be confident that you’ve passed along positive habits that will help foster honest, long-term relationships.

7 Children’s Books that Effectively Tackle Divorce Woes

It’s hard talking to your children about divorce, so why not let someone else find the right words? Grab a blanket, gather the stuffed animal friends, and snuggle in with these picture books well-suited to broaching some of the thorny issues that arise with a changing family dynamic.

1. Dinosaurs Divorce (A Guide for Changing Families)
by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown.
Suitable for children 5-8 years old, this popular book covers everything from what divorce words mean to how to tell your friends about your modified family situation. The comic-book style makes it more of a reference guide than a plot-driven narrative, so you’ll definitely want to keep coming back to it as new concerns emerge.

2. Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story for Little Kids about Divorce
by Sandra Levins and Bryan Langdo.
This light-hearted book for preschoolers and kindergartners features a father as the primary caregiver, and helps children navigate the age-old question of whether the divorce is maybe their fault.

3. Two Homes
by Claire Masurel.
Two Homes, in which the story of young Alex reassures children they will continue to be loved despite divorce or separation, is a classic in this genre. As one reviewer noted, you might want to purchase two copies of the book””one to keep at Mom’s and one to keep at Dad’s.

4. Horton Hatches the Egg
by Dr. Seuss
No child’s library is complete without a generous dose of Dr. Seuss, but this particular title caters to those with absentee parents. As the egg’s mother flies off to Palm Springs to start a new life, Horton’s tale covertly shows us a single parent can always share double the love.

5. Mum and Dad Glue
by Kes Gray.
“My mum and dad are broken, I don’t know what to do. My mum and dad have come undone, I need to find some glue,” begins this book about a boy who tries to literally patch his family back together. It’s a sweet reminder there’s often no quick-fix solution to problems at home.

6. Every Second Friday
by Kiri Lightfoot and Ben Galbraith.
This picture book prepares children for their new shared custody arrangement through the excitement Marge and Totty feel for the days they get to spend with their father, who no longer lives at their house.

7. I Don’t Want To Talk About It
by Jeanie Franz Ransom.
The aim of this book is to validate the range of feelings a child might experience upon hearing his or her parents are to divorce. When everything gets too overwhelming, for instance, don’t turn into a bird and try to fly away; instead, roar like a lion to remember how brave you really are (maybe that’s where Katy Perry got her inspiration?)!

We would like to add to this list, so please recommend your favorite divorce-themed children’s books on our Facebook page.

A Quick Guide to Court-Ordered Parenting Classes

Although a recent study suggests divorce does not, fortunately, affect children too negatively in the long-term, the initial breakdown of the family unit does clearly impact their emotional and social well-being. Since Colorado courts are fully aware parents will need to deal with both the immediate aftermath of a divorce announcement and the subsequent years of co-parenting, most judges will now require a post-divorce parenting class before granting the final decree of dissolution.

These parenting education programs are not mandated by state law, but counties such as Arapahoe, Douglas, El Paso, and Teller are ordering them in all divorce and parental responsibility cases involving minor children. They must be taken by a set deadline (63 days from the date of order in Arapahoe County, for instance), and you will need to show a certificate of completion from an approved class before final orders can be set. Failing to attend one of the classes will naturally delay your divorce, and could also jeopardize your custody agreement.

There are several organizations that offer these classes, but it’s important to ensure the curriculum satisfies the requirements of your Domestic Relations Court””especially considering some judicial districts will not accept online courses. An approved class led by Parenting After Divorce, for example, meets for a single four-hour session that touches on strategies for protecting your children from choosing a side, maintaining a business-like co-parenting relationship, and formulating a detailed parenting plan. This introductory class is available six times a month in English, once a month in Spanish, and costs $65.

Alternatively, some county courts host the parenting classes themselves. In El Paso County, a Children and Families in Transition Seminar (CFIT) moderated by an attorney or mental health professional occurs three times a month and costs $40. Moreover, they offer a free child care service during their Friday seminars (call ahead to reserve a spot: 719.452.5499) and will also waive the registration fee for those receiving assistance from Colorado Legal Services.

A statewide list of approved parenting classes may be found here. In order to better advise our clients in the future, please share any positive course reviews with us by tweeting @divorcematters.

How to Adopt a Step-Child in Colorado

Do you remember that touching scene in an early episode of “The Brady Bunch,” where Carol tells Bobby that “the only steps in this house are those, and they lead right up to your bedroom?” It was such a graceful way of explaining that Mike and Carol had adopted each other’s children as their own, and that there were to be no step-parents or step-siblings in the blended Brady household.

Step-parent adoption is a relatively (ahem) common choice amongst today’s blended families as well, with about 50,000 adoptions made official annually.  If appropriate given the birth parents’ situation, it can be a truly wonderful way of bringing a family together.  Unlike international or domestic adoptions, step-parents do not need to complete parenting classes, undergo a home study, or shell out thousands of dollars to take over guardianship of a child. In Colorado, a step-parent may adopt a spouse’s children if:

*  The other birth parent has abandoned the child for one year or more, or has failed to support the child for one year or more
*  The other birth parent is deceased AND the surviving grandparents do not assert their own rights for guardianship
*  The other birth parent willingly relinquishes his/her role in court, meaning he/she will no longer be financially responsible for the child or have a right to parenting time with the child
*  Any children aged 12 and older give their own consent to be adopted.

Note that if the birth father is unknown or not listed on the birth certificate, you will still need to make a reasonable effort to contact any possible candidates in order to properly terminate his parental rights.

Once an adoption petition is approved, it takes about four weeks for a new birth certificate listing the step-parent as the official custodial parent to be issued. The step-parent is then legally and financially responsible for the child, while the child becomes entitled to inheritance rights and benefits on behalf of the step-parent. In other words, adopting a step-child reaffirms your commitment to their well-being and offers a reassuring sense of stability to your family.

Finally, same-sex couples who are in a recognized civil union before the birth of their child no longer need to go through this step-parent adoption process; Colorado now lists both mothers or both fathers on the official birth certificate from the very beginning.

Terminating the rights of the birth parent is often a delicate and complex process; please contact one of our experienced attorneys if you need help completing this, or any other step, in the adoption process. Find us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/DivorceMatters.

A Dog in the Fight: Pets and Divorce

Nearly 68 percent of U.S. households owned pets in 2013, and so it’s only natural that we would turn to our four-legged friends for comfort as a marriage collapses. What happens to man’s best friend during a divorce though?

While we might treat our pets as integral members of the family, most courts consider them to be personal property– similar to a car or diamond necklace. Last year, however, a New York judge filed a landmark custody suit over Joey, a miniature dachshund whose parents were both desperate to keep him. The judge planned to treat Joey like a child by ultimately determining which spouse would best serve his interests, asking questions such as:

Ӣ Who spent more time with the dog on a regular basis?
Ӣ Who financially supported him on a primary basis?
Ӣ Who would now be most able to cater to his needs?

The case was eventually settled out of court, with one spouse surrendering permanent custody to the other, but it could still play a major role in treating pets less like property and more like human beings in the future.

As this case proves, simply raising a claim is often enough to expose which spouse really wants to keep the pet and the issue rarely appears before a judge. Unfortunately, however, some partners will also see the pets as “bargaining chips,” as in a case involving a herd of llamas. The husband had no personal attachment to the animals, but he wanted half of them anyway because he knew how dear they were to his wife and he expected her to sacrifice something else to keep them all together, said Maria Cognett of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

In Colorado, the general rule is that pets are property–whether it’s a herd of cattle in our state’s more rural communities, or the doomed goldfish sitting beside you– and should be equally divided as such. In light of that, one thing to consider is letting the pet stay with whomever gets primary custody of the children; that way, they don’t lose a furry friend along with a parent. Alternatively, if you can agree to a pet co-parenting plan with your ex-spouse, make sure the custody is for a significant period of time as animals find it more difficult to adjust to new surroundings and routines than humans. And once the inevitable comes, you may want to share your animal companion’s remains with your ex-spouse as well””just don’t fill the urn with ashes from the fireplace.

Please contact one of our well-informed lawyers if you’re concerned about how divorce might affect one of your beloved pets.

Hark! The Holiday Parenting Plan

 

Did you watch the latest episode of ABC’s Trophy Wife? Desperate to have a proper family holiday, Malin Akerman invites both of her husband’s ex-wives to celebrate Christmas together with their children. Her intentions are certainly sweet””this is indeed a season for loved ones and traditions, but the night ends in disaster (save for an amazing Ace of Base tribute).

This sort of feel-good family Christmas might be ideal for a television show, but it’s just one of the many parenting plans real families deliberate between over the winter break. It would certainly be lovely if everyone could come together and partake in the well-worn rituals of pajama mornings and viewings of It’s A Wonderful Life, but don’t try to unite for this one occasion if there’s still too much animosity between ex-spouses. There’s no point in ruining the holidays with emotional baggage and having your children talk about it in therapy for years to come.

At the time of final orders, many families opt for the 50-50 split, with one parent taking on Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. This sounds great in theory, but the practicalities of shuttling children around can be a logistical nightmare and will certainly cut into some of the holiday traditions””not to mention the constant concern of “Will Santa know where I am?” If you do go this route, Wevorce CEO Michelle Crosby suggests making the transition between houses at unique times in order to squeeze in as many hours of festivities as possible.

Attempting to share the holidays also makes traveling””whether to see other family, or for some fun in the sun””over the winter break nearly impossible. In the end then, it may be best for one parent to sacrifice this time of year altogether and to either take the reins the following year or to use Thanksgiving as a sort of early Christmas. There are several rituals, such as decorating the Christmas tree, going ice skating on Evergreen Pond or waiting for the ball to drop on New Year’s Eve, that can be observed throughout the month of December and will still create plenty of festive moments.

The most important thing to remember while finalizing those holiday plans is to keep everything child-centric. If your son or daughter needs to see Mommy and Daddy together on Christmas morning, draw on the spirit of the season and try your best to deliver that picture-perfect scene. If you don’t celebrate Christmas or if the celebrations don’t extend much past the turkey dinner, arrange to split the holiday into big chunks of time (a week each, at least) so that your children can go on that ski vacation after all.

Finally, don’t turn everything into a competition for attention with your ex-spouse. As difficult as it might be, solidify your plans well in advance to ensure you do gift your children with loads of magical holiday memories.

Happy Holidays from all of us at Divorce Matters! Tweet us @divorcematters with your holiday parenting tips.

How Top Denver Child Custody Attorneys Win Custody Cases

A top Denver child custody attorney can increase the chances you will win your child custody case by doing the following:

Top Denver family attorneys know how to determine which custody issues are worth taking to court and which issues are not. Each custody matter has plenty of issues that can be brought to court.  However, not every issue is worth asking the Judge to decide.  In fact, if certain issues are not settled out of court, the failure to resolve those issues may annoy the Judge and cause the Judge to discredit the more important custody issues. 

Once it is determined which custody issues should be taken to court, the best custody attorneys painstakingly sort through all of the possible evidence and pull out those facts which have the best chance of persuading the Judge to grant your custody request.  This phase is extremely important because not all facts will persuade the judge to change custody.  The best attorneys know that just like certain issues can annoy and turn off judges, so can certain facts.  

The top divorce and custody lawyers locate and interview witnesses and obtain important documents before they step into court.   It is amazing how many divorce and custody lawyers, even those with experience, walk into child custody hearings unprepared. Even though there were witnesses to interview and subpoena, documents to gather such as e-mails, text messages, correspondence, medical records, police reports and other evidence, many divorce lawyers simply do not do their due diligence before going to court.  The top divorce lawyers stand out and win custody cases based on their preparation and attention to detail. That is the type a lawyer you want on your side.  

The top divorce and custody attorneys remain focused on the best interests of the children.  Too many lawyers get caught up in their client’s own allegations as well as that of the other parent that they forget the entire focus of a child custody case is the children.  Therefore, a good attorney will teach his or her clients how to remain focused on what is in the best interest of the children.

The best custody attorneys in Denver determine how to present your custody issues and the specific facts of your case to the court in the most persuasive manner possible.  The best attorneys do this by determining which witnesses will testify, what they will testify about, and the order in which they will testify. 

The best lawyers do not waste their client’s money unnecessarily on litigation that will not help the case progress toward resolution or trial.  Some family law attorneys will waste their client’s money on unnecessary litigation that accomplishes little to nothing in a child custody matter, but instead stalls the process and causes more strife for both parties which trickles down to the children. 

The best divorce and custody attorneys also manage their client’s expectations. Few things are worse than an attorney telling a client that a particular result will most likely occur when the lawyer knows or should know that such a result is not likely. The best attorneys do not make promises to clients about specific results.  Even with extensive experience and knowledge, the best attorneys understand that no one can predict the future in any divorce or custody case. However, that same experience and knowledge teaches the best lawyers that there are outcomes in a divorce and custody case that are more likely than others.  

The best attorneys also work hard to represent clients with the right intentions.  They will not represent a parent who intends to use their children as leverage or who are emotionally or physically abusive toward the children.

Therefore, when looking to hire an attorney, ask the attorney how they intend to give you the best chance of prevailing in your custody matter and get the right result for you and your children.

Why Would I Hire a Child and Family Investigator (CFI)?

The top divorce attorneys know that whether to get a Child and Family Investigator (CFI) involved can be a critical decision for certain cases.  When two parents cannot agree on parenting time and/or decision making, the court can appoint a Child and Family Investigator (CFI).  The job of the CFI is to investigate the matter and issue a report regarding parenting time and/or decision making.  The recommendations of the CFI should be based on the’ best interests of the children” since that is the standard the Judge will use.

However, the standard of  “the best interests of the children”  can be one of the hardest standards to predict how a CFI or Judge will apply it to a particular case.

The problem is that although the CFI and Judge are required to determine the best interests of each child by considering the list of factors I will set forth below-it is a very squishy standard.

The factors are:

  1. The wishes of the child’s parents;
  2. The wishes of the child, if sufficiently mature (typically starts about 12 or so);
  3. The relationship between the child, the parents, siblings, and any other person who may significantly affect the child’s best interests;
  4. The child’s adjustment to his or her home, school, and community;
  5. The mental and physical health of all individuals involved;
  6. The ability of the parties to encourage the sharing of love, affection, and contact between the child and the other party;
  7. Whether the past pattern of involvement of the parties with the child reflects a system of values, time commitment, and mutual support;
  8. The physical proximity of the parties to each other;
  9. Whether a party has been a perpetrator of child abuse or neglect;
  10. Whether a party has been a perpetrator of spouse abuse;
  11. The ability of each party to place the needs of the child ahead of his or her own needs.

However, even though there is this list of factors, the CFI and Judge will still try to determine what is best for the child based on how they see the facts and circumstances of your case.

Keep in mind that the quality of the CFI’s recommendations is highly dependent upon the CFI’s training, experience, and ability to obtain and analyze the critical facts and evidence in your case.   Moreover, even the “best” CFI does not always get it right.

The cost of a CFI in Colorado is capped at $2,000*.  However, if the case warrants additional work and/or expertise, the Court can issue an order allowing the CFI to charge more than $2,000.

If you think your case might require a CFI, you should speak with a top divorce attorney to determine whether this is the right option for you and your children.

*As of January 2016 the cap on CFI’s is now $2,750 which does not include testimony.

Settling Divorce or Custody Matters in Colorado

When is the perfect time to settle your divorce or custody matter in Arapahoe County ”“ or in any other County?

Any time!

I was reminded about this the other day. Settling a divorce or custody matter takes time and work. You actually have to continue thinking about overcoming the obstacles that are in the way of settling.   If you can get the other side to set forth in detail what they want and what they are concerned about, you might be able to create a settlement that actually gives them what they want and alleviates their concerns, and works for you as well. The “trick” is thinking creatively and thinking long term. The other “trick” is to realize that being right, or proving a point, is not the goal of settling a case or resolving a dispute. The goal is settling the issue or dispute and moving forward.

www.divorce-matters.com

Preparing for Divorce: Finances, Kids, and Protecting Your Interests

There comes a point when you must admit your marriage is over.  You’ve tried everything from marriage counseling, personal therapy, and maybe even living apart.

But before you take the plunge, the best attorneys advise that you will fare much better if you prepare. It may seem heartless, but if you plan on getting divorced, or if you think your spouse may want one from you, there are some matters you should take care of first.  Addressing these issues before your partner even realizes you are ready to get divorced and you will be ahead of the game during the legal negotiations that will occur sooner than you think.

We know that the notion of a pending divorce”“even one not yet broached with your spouse”“can send you into a tailspin. The mere thought of getting divorced can cause a range of emotions, including relief, fear, disappointment, excitement, and dread.  But no matter what you feel, you must push these emotions aside and take some practical and strategic steps before anyone else gets the ball rolling:

1. Hire a lawyer that practices in the Denver Metro area.  Unless you have been married for only a short time, or you have no property or children, hire a lawyer. Even if you and your spouse have “worked everything out,” or have chosen a mediator, your personal family attorney may tell you about rights you did not know you had.  Remember, you do not need an F. Lee Bailey, but you should find someone who has handled divorces before, someone you can afford, and someone with whom you feel comfortable. Word of mouth is usually a good way to locate attorneys, but do not go by recommendations alone. Meet a few lawyers before making up your mind. This will help you learn about the differences in legal style between lawyers and help you find one that is good for you.

2. Learn your spouse’s annual income. Do they have a salaried position, or is paid by the hour, the information should be on a recent pay stub. If you cannot get one, last year’s tax return should help.  If your spouse is self-employed, a tax return may not tell you the full story.  Do a little detective work. Does your spouse have a partner? Are you friendly with the partner’s spouse? They may know about the business and be willing to share what they know about it.  Is someone else in the partnership divorced? That partner’s former spouse might be willing and able to help you.

3. Realistically assess what you can earn. Have you been out of the job market for a while? Perhaps you need some time to get your skills up to speed before taking the plunge. Has business been off lately? Keep a record of that now, so no one later accuses you of deliberately reducing your income to negotiate a more favorable settlement.

4. Learn everything there is to know about your family’s financial assets and liabilities.  You will only be able to share in assets you know about, so you must find out exactly what the two of you have. For most, that’s probably easy. There’s a house (owned by the bank), a car (still owned by the dealer), a pension (not yet vested), and a little bit of savings. But for some, property ownership is more complicated. In some cases, one spouse’s business is a marital asset to be valued, and a judge can distribute its value. The same may go for a ski house or condominium, even if inherited during the marriage.

5. Realistically assess your family’s debt. Often, the allocation of debt is harder to prove or negotiate than the division of assets. What debts do you have? Credit card, personal loans, bank loans, car loans? How much does it cost to pay these debts each month?

6. Make photocopies of every family financial record you can find. Canceled checks, bank statements, tax returns, life insurance polices”“if it is there, copy it.  You may never need this information, but if you do, it is good to have.

7. Make a list of your family’s valuables. Inventory your safety deposit box or family safe and take photographs of the contents. Do the same with jewelry or any furniture, paintings, or other items of value. You needn’t list every worn out piece of furniture, but anything with a value of more than $250, or that has value to you, or your spouse, should be included.

8. Learn how much it costs to run your household now. Whether you plan to stay in the home or leave, unless you know what the monthly costs are, you will not be able to determine how much money you need. If you’re the one who pays the monthly bills, your job is easy. If you are not, look through a checkbook to find the expenses”“how much is the monthly rent or mortgage; utilities, including electricity, heat, and phone; and maintenance costs such as snow removal, yard care, and annual maintenance for the house.  One woman we know, a well-educated profession, who had a full-time career, did not know the first thing about the family’s monthly expenses because her husband’s business secretary made out the checks and paid the bills from the office. She was embarrassed to confess her “ignorance,” but she is not alone.

9. Determine where you will live following separation. If you’re the spouse who plans to move out, decide where you are going to live and figure out how much it will cost you on a month-by-month basis beforehand. This will make your case much more difficult to settle.  Consider what it will cost to move and calculate start-up expenses, including telephone installation and turning on electricity and cable.

10. Save money, if at all possible. One unemployed wife of successful business owner wanted a divorce immediately. Her divorce lawyer, however, convinced her to be patient.  He advised her that it would be better to wait a year before filing for divorce.  During that time, she was instructed to save enough money, hopefully, to move out and pay for her expenses on her own.  It was not easy, but the wife saved enough to move out a year later.  After she was settled in her own apartment, her lawyer then went to court and got the judge to order her husband to pay her monthly rent until the divorce was finalized.  If the wife had not moved out, the judge could not have directed the husband to pay her rent because she wouldn’t have had any rent to pay.  Instead, she might have been stuck in the house, with her husband, until the divorce was final or forced to spend her meager savings on rent; and that could have taken far more than a year. (While most Judges will address the non-working spouse temporary support, you cannot count getting temporary maintenance or the amount of the maintenance.)

11. Build up your own credit. If you don’t have credit cards in your own name, apply for them now. You may be able to get them now, based on your spouse’s income, and you will probably need credit later. Use the cards instead of cash and pay the bill by the due date.

12. Stay involved or increase your involvement with your children. First, this is important for your children because they will need all the support and reassurance they can get during the unsteady and hectic times ahead.   Plus, courts consider the depth and quality of your relationship when making custody and visitation decisions.  Therefore, more involvement now could translate to continued involvement, at a higher level, after the divorce, as well as the custody agreement you want and is best for your children.  Take a look at your own behavior.  Have you been so busy earning a living that you have let your spouse do the majority of work raising your children?  If so, now is the time to reallocate your priorities. If you have school-age children, help them get ready for school in the morning, help them with homework at night, and help get them to bed. Learn who their teachers are, who their doctors are, and their friends. If your children are not yet in school, spend as much time with them as you can before and after work. Even if you do not have much of a chance in getting custody, you will become a better parent and have a better relationship with your children.  Take heed from a much-publicized custody battle involving a famous film director and his former partner.  The father’s case for joint custody was severely weakened when the judge learned he did not know the names of his children’s pets or teachers, or their shoe sizes. Although many parents may not know their child’s shoe size, the Mother’s lawyer made a big deal out of it.

13. Withdrawing money from the bank. If you fear your request for divorce will send your spouse straight to the bank, withdraw half of the money in all your savings accounts first. Place the money in a new account, and keep it there until you and your spouse can work out the distribution of property. Do not spend the money if at all possible. If the money is in a checking account and you know the account is nearly emptied every month to pay bills, do not withdraw any part of that money. You will create financial mayhem if checks bounce.

14. Consider canceling charge cards. If you are the party responsible for paying credit card bills, consider canceling your accounts”“or at least reducing the spending limit.  Often times, the announcement of a divorce causes one party to go on a shopping spree.

If you have additional questions, contact Divorce Matters, and arrange to meet with an experienced denver divorce attorney.  Divorce Matters helps clients throughout the Metro Denver area get the best results possible in their divorce and child custody matters.