Ready For Mediation? Tips For Mothers Mediating Child Custody Disputes

Divorce is a stressful process that becomes significantly more so if you have kids. No parent wants to be away from their child for any longer than they have to, but when divorce happens, there’s really no avoiding the problem of custody. But there are ways to help alleviate that problem; one of those is through child custody mediation.

The point of mediation is to have both parents work out mutually beneficial custody arrangements and parenting time schedules that are in the best interests of the children. Mediation is almost always required in child custody disputes in court, but can also be entered into voluntarily before a case is ever filed. Mediation is one of the best ways to come up with a plan that works for you, your spouse and most importantly, the little ones. After all, why endure the stress of fighting it out in court only to have a judge impose a schedule upon the parents and children, when you can do it yourselves, save money and end up with a schedule that is actually workable for everyone involved?

However, if parents are prone to arguing, or if one parent has a more dominant personality, mediation can be intimidating if you don’t know what to expect. But don’t let fear of the unknown drive you away from mediation; even in contentious custody battles, mediation has a lot of benefits and can help reduce or relieve the stresses of fighting for your kids. Here are some tips to help you get ready for custody mediation:

  • Choose a mediator who is a reputable family law attorney that has been doing mediation for at least a few years. There is no license to be a mediator, so anyone can put themselves out there as one. Always check qualifications, such as asking if the mediator has taken a 40 hour mediation course, and make sure they are family law mediators who have dealt with parent and child issues before. An experienced family law mediator can be effective and convincing about the reality of the situation if the other parent is being unreasonable.

  • Preparation Is Key

    Whether you have a lawyer or are going on your own, come with your schedule and calendar that you need for your and the other parent’s work schedule. Know the dates that school starts, when holidays are, when spring, summer and winter break are and what you would like to do during those times (want to visit grandparents? Teach your kids to ski? Etc.)

  • In addition to the calendar dates, have an idea of activities that you, the other parent and the children have on a daily basis. Does a child go to soccer after school? Piano lessons on Wednesday? Do you always have to stay late at work on Wednesday, but have flexibility on Fridays? Have tentative daily schedules and reminders written down so you can plan accordingly.
  • Do you or the other parent have relatives or good friends that live nearby that want to be helpful with the children? A court cannot order grandma to pick up the kids and take them to swimming practice on Thursdays, but if grandma wants to be a part of it, you can put that in the mediated agreement. Can the kids, if they are old enough, stay at home alone after school if they check in with the neighbor who works from home? Speak to friends, neighbors and family beforehand to offer additional solutions to common parenting scheduling problems.
  • Enter mediation with an open mind and a calm demeanor. Even if the other parent is being unreasonable, always stay calm and collected during mediation. Accept the fact that you cannot control what the other parent says or does in mediation; you can only control your reaction. Getting upset will never help your situation. If you do get upset, it’s okay, but ask for a 10-minute break and get some fresh air to help you calm down.
  • Understand that it might take a few sessions to work out an agreement and plan. If you do not come to an agreement on the first session, know that you did not fail. Sometimes, people need time to reflect and may come back to another mediated session with some new insights into what really matters and what needs to be done. As they say, hindsight is 20/20 ”“ an unsuccessful first session helps both parties identify ways to move forward.
  • Take the time to understand that when parents do not live together, neither parent is going to get as much time with the child(ren) as they would like. Think about the situation from the child’s point of view. It’s your job as a parent to do what is best for the kids, even if that means you might not get to see them as often as you’d like.

The Denver family law attorneys at Divorce Matters provide mediation services for divorcing couples in Colorado.

How To Make Sure You’re Ready For Divorce Mediation

Mediation, in many ways, is favorable compared to contentious divorce litigation. It allows both parties to express their needs and wants in a divorce without the stress of a courtroom. Many Colorado counties do require mediation prior to a court hearing, and with good reason ”“ the earlier on in the divorce process that a couple mediates, the more likely both sides are to understand each other’s needs and the more likely a satisfactory compromise can be reached. The benefit of mediation is you and your soon-to-be ex can work out a settlement that is mutually beneficial and tailored to your specific situations, and not an order from a judge imposed on you against your wishes. If children are involved, mediation can be an important first step to effectively co-parenting for years to come.

If you have never been through mediation before, you may be nervous about what it will be like. Here are some tips to help you prepare for mediation in divorce:

  1. When selecting a mediator, research his or her credentials to be sure they have the experience you are looking for. Mediation can be done in a day or done over the course of a few weeks, and you do not want to be stuck with a mediator who isn’t equipped to handle your situation. Make sure the mediator has experience specifically with family law cases.
  2. Make sure your spouse wishes to mediate (if you are not being ordered by the court.) That’s the first compromise, and finding common ground is what mediation is all about. One thing many spouses can agree upon is that mediation is almost always faster and less expensive than litigation in court.
  3. Come prepared ”“ have lists of all of your assets and possessions, marital as well as separate. Cars, homes, bank accounts, stock portfolios, financial records ”“ everything. Be organized with these finances when you are going into mediation.
  4. Know what you want, but be willing to give and take. Keep an open mind and listen to the mediator and your spouse during the sessions. A good mediator can help bring parties together in a number of ways, including the benefits of settlement and pointing out what is likely to happen if you do not come to a mutual agreement.

The family law attorneys at Divorce Matters represent spouses and parents in both mediation and litigation. We often accompany our clients in mediation sessions to advocate on their behalf. If you and your spouse have already attended mediation, our Denver divorce lawyers can draft the legal settlement paperwork and finalize the divorce properly.

How Do I Know if Mediation Is Right For Me?

What do you think of when you think of divorce? An acrimonious split, a vicious fight ”“ an upheaval of your life ”“ but what if there was another way?

There is ”“ mediation. Mediation is similar to divorce in that it is a way to dissolve a marriage, but mediation has some benefits that you might not think of in the heat of the moment.

For starters, mediation is (usually) relatively tame compared to a litigated divorce. There’s no courtroom, no judge ”“ you don’t have to sit on the witness stand in front of everyone and trudge through questioning. Mediation usually takes place in a comfortable office with you and your attorney, as well as a neutral mediator. You don’t have to see your spouse ”“ the mediator takes care of that for you. Mediation is a more civil option than trial.

Next, you only have to say yes in mediation if you want to. That’s the point ”“ it’s a negotiation. The mediator cannot force you into a decision, but instead exists to help you figure out what you want the terms of your divorce to be. Do you want the house? The car? Do you need spousal support to help get back on your feet after divorce? Just ask. The mediator will work with you and try to arrange an agreement with your spouse.

Lastly, mediation is not final. While ideally, you will walk out of mediation with a settlement agreement that you are satisfied with, if things do not work out, you now know where your spouse stands on several of the issues pertinent to your divorce. Mediation fosters progress, and sometimes, even if you do not settle after mediation, that progress will lead to a swift settlement long before you ever have to set foot in the courtroom.

What is Better in High Net Worth Divorce ”“ Mediation or Litigation?

Many divorcing couples use mediation as a less contentious, less expensive way to deal with a divorce. However, mediation requires a certain level of cooperation between spouses, and not every couple can make that commitment. This can be especially true during high net worth divorces, where there are much higher stakes regarding property and asset division. It is natural for high net worth individuals to want to retain as much of their assets as they are legally able to and to preserve the standard of living they are accustomed to. Different situations call for Mediation or Litigation.

Situations That Call for Litigation

Because these situations often involve homes, businesses, retirement accounts and other things of that nature, the process of agreeing on property division can become protracted, especially when a couple opts to solve the problem through litigation. The longer the proceedings go, the more that the couple is going to have to pay in attorney fees. This means that a substantial estate can dwindle little by little as the divorce process becomes longer. For this reason, litigation is seen as the less ideal approach to divorce, unless there is such a rift between the divorcing parties that the idea of mediation is impossible.

The Benefits of Choosing Mediation

Mediation has benefits other than cost. It allows the divorcing parties to retain confidentiality of the proceedings, allowing you to control the discussion and the outcome of your case. It gives you more personal attention from your mediator, who is trained to facilitate negotiation in tough situations. Generally, the resolution can be quicker, you have much more flexibility and it tends to be better for children if there are any involved. You may also find that post-divorce, your relationship with your ex turns out better than it would have had you chosen litigation for your case.

Our divorce lawyers guide family law clients through both mediation or litigation.

Can Mediation Make My Divorce Cheaper?

Divorce is expensive, there is no way around that. The average cost of a divorce in the United States as of 2015 is somewhere in the range of $15,000-$20,000. This price can be prohibitive for some people, but there are ways to bring the costs down.

Mediation

Mediation is one of those ways. Mediation is a way for a couple to work through their problems to arrive at an agreement that both parties accept and find fair. Once the terms of the divorce are agreed upon, a divorce settlement can be drafted. The key to mediation, though, is the ability to work amicably with your spouse. Not every couple can do this, but it can drive down the costs of divorce. Some couples will use this method to avoid having to pay for an attorney, but even in those cases, it is still a good idea to have an attorney look over the final agreement to ensure that neither party makes a costly mistake; after all, some agreements cannot be changed once the divorce is final.

Collaborative Divorce

You might also consider what is called a collaborative divorce, which is similar to mediation in that you are working together with your spouse as well as separate attorneys for each of you. You might share an accountant or therapist, but lawyers cannot be shared. This is one way to avoid a lengthy and expensive litigation process.

Speak with an Experienced Denver Family Law Attorney

If you find that there is no way to be amicable with your spouse for the divorce proceedings, you may also consider arbitration, which is similar to going to court but is usually quicker and less expensive. You would pay an arbitrator to act as a judge and make all of the decisions a judge would. The best way to decide which option is right for you would be to present your case to a divorce lawyer.

6 Ways Mediation Can Ease the Divorce Process for Men

The divorce process is can be challenging and costly for all parties. Mediation is providing couples with an easier path through the emotional process. This guide will help you identify ways to manage the amount of stress most men experience during the divorce process.

1. Attachment Issues Immediately Following Separation.
Managing stress for your family is going to take a greater toll during the initial separation. Mediation can help make a smooth transition because you will have an expert opinion from an attorney or professional counselor that will be a neutral third party to help resolve conflicts. Yes, you can still have your personal attorney with you.

2. Communication Is Key.
Communication is going to play a major factor in more ways than one. Make sure you clearly communicate with you children and let them know how the separation will affect them. Make sure this explanation is age appropriate. During mediation you will get a clear idea of where things are going, this will help you understand the whole process.

3. Don’t Let Divorce Take Over.
While you are sorting out details with your partner, make sure you don’t lose track of what’s going on in the rest of your world. Don’t let little details fall through the cracks; you might not notice, but eventually it will come back to haunt you. Divorce can be a life encompassing event. Try not to let it pre-occupy your mind, stay present and focus on controlling the factors you are capable of controlling. Mediation will give you set times to work on issues, use this time wisely.

4. Make The Extra Effort.
While you might be stressed and resentful of your partner, don’t let that creep into your parental relationships. Make the extra effort to spend quality time with your children so they know, even if they don’t see you every day, they are still on the top of your priority list. Making a strong effort to work cooperatively during mediation will also benefit your family and reduce stress.

5. Ask For Help.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for support during the transition period. Men tend to face greater emotional problems than women for reasons like loss of intimacy, loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the disruption of the parental role. Speaking with a professional can help reduce stress and have a positive impact on your new family life.

6. Compromise.
You may want to fight tooth and nail for every detail of the separation agreement, make sure what you fight for is a worthy cause. Try not to get wrapped up in the emotional side of the divorce and help encourage a smooth transition, for all parties involved. This may be easier said than done, but mediation can help keep things moving down the middle of the road.

The divorce process is stressful for everyone involved. Using tools like mediation, professional advice, and taking a step back can have positive impacts on your entire life. If you would like to speak with someone about your divorce, we will be happy to help. We have a wealth of experience dealing with all parts of the divorce and mediation processes.

If you would like to speak with an attorney about divorce, mediation, or reducing stress related to the divorce process, we can be reached at (720) 542-6142.

The Pros and Cons of Various Divorce Options

When you are considering a divorce, the amount of money, time, and legal hurdles can seem insurmountable. Many of us, when facing divorce, only think of the bitter, acrimonious separations we have seen or read about in movies and magazines””the traditional litigation-style divorce””but there are other options that may be right for you and your family. Here are a few:

  • Traditional Divorce. This type of divorce is the most common and familiar to most people. In a traditional divorce, each party hires his or her own attorney, and the process goes to litigation to determine division of joint property debt, maintenance fees, and child custody. This is often a necessary choice in cases of mental or physical abuse or when the emotions are so high that the two parties cannot communicate civilly. However, hiring an attorney by no means forces you to take your whole case to trial. Often times attorneys can help resolve issues that are not highly contested in a divorce proceeding, and they can help clients enter into agreements regarding every part of their divorce, to avoid the stress and pain of fighting things out before a judge. In every traditional divorce in Colorado, you will be required to attend mediation with a qualified mediator.
  • Mediation. Parties may choose to engage in mediation before being ordered by the Court to do so or before filing for divorce. Typically, mediation discussions involve you, your spouse, both parties’ attorneys (if attorneys have been retained), and the mediator. Your mediator serves as a neutral party whose role is to help you and your spouse reach a mutually beneficial agreement and avoid costly litigation. Mediation may last just one session, or it may span several sessions over the course of a few weeks. A mediator will not provide legal advice, and if you cannot reach an agreement, you may still proceed to litigation. You and your spouse may consider hiring an attorney to review your case and accompany you to mediation for advice on the law. This can be especially helpful as mediators cannot give legal advice to parties.
  • Early Neutral Assessment. Part of the Colorado Dispute Resolution Act, an early neutral assessment is a blend of collaborative law and traditional mediation. It involves you, your spouse, and two evaluators (typically an attorney and a therapist or mental health specialist). Each party is provided the opportunity to express their concerns, feelings, and questions. The evaluators will assess the situation and””unlike with mediation””will then provide the couple with advice and suggestions on what they could expect if they went to litigation. This early understanding and awareness typically leads to a shorter and less expensive divorce.
  • Do-It-Yourself Divorce (DIY): Colorado permits parties to represent themself in their divorce proceeding, and the internet is filled with DIY divorce kits, companies selling forms and drafting assistance, and handbooks for those who want to execute their divorce without hiring a lawyer. This may seem like a cheaper, easier way to go. But when you look a little closer, the process is fraught with challenges, such as complicated procedures and paperwork, confusing deadlines, inadequate agreements and plans that don’t protect you in the future. Mistakes made in DIY divorces can often make the process even more costly than a traditional divorce would have been. Oftentimes, a party has a full-time job, and trying to figure out the law in your “spare” time can be next to impossible.

Conclusion People tend to view divorce as expensive and time-consuming. And in many cases it can be. But there are also alternative routes that can be taken, if the couple is amenable to it. The first step is to know your options. Next is choosing a divorce that meets your needs and goals””no path is perfect, particularly in the face of the many difficult decisions you will make going forward””but some options are better than others, depending on your unique situation.