Ninjas, Author at Divorce Matters

Spreading the News: Telling Others About Your Divorce

It seems, sometimes, that everyone has an opinion on how you announce your divorce. Some people change their Facebook status. Others share the news in person. And, of course, there is the increasing frequency of divorce parties, a trend first spotted several years ago.

With so many communication options at our fingertips, it can be hard to know how best to best deliver the news about your divorce.

As lawyers, we are hardly experts on social norms regarding divorce communication. But, we do have some experience seeing what works for others.

Here are a few tips that we would recommend to you when you are telling people about your divorce:

For close friends and family, clearly face to face is the best avenue, with the telephone the next best option. Family members and friends often have their own apprehensions and concerns about divorce and its impact ”“Face-to-face (or voice-to-voice, as the case may be) contact can provide reassurances about what the future holds and reduce the worry and concern your friends and family may have about you.

It is always advisable to let your inner circle know first ”“ before you update your Facebook status or send a blast email, which brings us to tip #2:

For acquaintances, e-mail, text, or social media all seem to work just fine. Changing your relationship status on Facebook, for example, can let more casual acquaintances know about this change in your life. But keep in mind that Facebook posts can have an impact on divorce proceedings. Change your status, if you want the world to know about your divorce, but be careful how much you say and to whom. Heed the same warnings when texting the news. Texting is also being used more and more frequently as evidence during divorce proceedings.
The divorce party trend emerged several years ago””and today, there is quite a cottage industry surround them. Sending out “divorce announcements” or throwing a “divorce party” was once considered tacky, but more and more people are electing to mark the change in their lives with some sort of event. That said, divorce parties are not for everyone”¦
Something a bit more common””and less controversial””is a tasteful change of address card or notice. Often, these include the names of both parties to the divorce.

Divorce can be difficult to talk about””and challenging to announce to those we care about most. The most important thing is to find a way to let your friends, acquaintances, and contacts know the news in a way that is comfortable to both you and your soon-to-be ex. And be sure and consider the repercussions of an announcement if your proceedings are still in process. Use common sense and limit the degree of disclosure in your announcements to protect and respect all parties, including children, in the process.

Helping Your Children Deal with Divorce

As any divorcing parent knows all too well, divorce takes a toll on the kids””even in the most amicable splits. From the emotional to the physical, children have many needs that parents must address, all while they struggle to balance their own emotions and make difficult decisions.

Recently, I came across an organization””Rainbows for All Children, Inc.””that helps parents and kids deal with the emotional toll of divorce. They’ve created a packet full of tips and insights for divorcing parents.

Rainbows for All Children is an international nonprofit founded to help children deal with grief, including feelings of grief stemming from divorce. They’ve put out a terrific packet chock full of practice tips for parents on helping their children cope during and after divorce. Here’s a link to a PDF copy of the packet.

A few things we found most helpful include a list (on page 4) of what children need””from the child’s perspective””during their parents’ divorce. Some of our favorites on their list include:

I want to be allowed and encouraged to love and be loyal to both of my parents
I am upset when I am interrogated about my time with my other parent
I need the transition between parenting time to be comfortable and flexible

Divorce impacts children differently by age, too, which means parents of two or more children may have to employ different strategies for each child as they help them transition. The packet includes a great list of the various reactions to divorce your kids might have, based on their age. Here are common reactions for a child 3 to 6 years in age and some recommended actions by family caregivers:

Age Level Reactions ”“ Child 3 ”“ 6 years

realize someone is missing in family unit
blames self; believe their actions control others’ behavior
identify with opposite sex parent
maintains fantasies of parent’s return
fears abandonment
yearning for absent parent

Reactions

regression in behavior, bed wetting, thumb sucking
irritable
aggression and hostility

Caregiver Responses

attention
nurturing through cuddling
explain changes that are occurring
teach appropriate ways to release hostility, aggression
reassure of love

This is a very helpful packet of information for divorcing parents. There’s also a great piece on creating a strong single-parent household and dealing with post-divorce reality, which brings its own share of ups and downs.

Divorce is never easy on the children involved, but the folks at Rainbows have put some strong tools in place to help ease the transition.

The Pros and Cons of Various Divorce Options

When you are considering a divorce, the amount of money, time, and legal hurdles can seem insurmountable. Many of us, when facing divorce, only think of the bitter, acrimonious separations we have seen or read about in movies and magazines””the traditional litigation-style divorce””but there are other options that may be right for you and your family. Here are a few:

Traditional Divorce. This type of divorce is the most common and familiar to most people. In a traditional divorce, each party hires his or her own attorney, and the process goes to litigation to determine division of joint property debt, maintenance fees, and child custody. This is often a necessary choice in cases of mental or physical abuse or when the emotions are so high that the two parties cannot communicate civilly. However, hiring an attorney by no means forces you to take your whole case to trial. Often times attorneys can help resolve issues that are not highly contested in a divorce proceeding, and they can help clients enter into agreements regarding every part of their divorce, to avoid the stress and pain of fighting things out before a judge. In every traditional divorce in Colorado, you will be required to attend mediation with a qualified mediator.
Mediation. Parties may choose to engage in mediation before being ordered by the Court to do so or before filing for divorce. Typically, mediation discussions involve you, your spouse, both parties’ attorneys (if attorneys have been retained), and the mediator. Your mediator serves as a neutral party whose role is to help you and your spouse reach a mutually beneficial agreement and avoid costly litigation. Mediation may last just one session, or it may span several sessions over the course of a few weeks. A mediator will not provide legal advice, and if you cannot reach an agreement, you may still proceed to litigation. You and your spouse may consider hiring an attorney to review your case and accompany you to mediation for advice on the law. This can be especially helpful as mediators cannot give legal advice to parties.
Early Neutral Assessment. Part of the Colorado Dispute Resolution Act, an early neutral assessment is a blend of collaborative law and traditional mediation. It involves you, your spouse, and two evaluators (typically an attorney and a therapist or mental health specialist). Each party is provided the opportunity to express their concerns, feelings, and questions. The evaluators will assess the situation and””unlike with mediation””will then provide the couple with advice and suggestions on what they could expect if they went to litigation. This early understanding and awareness typically leads to a shorter and less expensive divorce.
Do-It-Yourself Divorce (DIY): Colorado permits parties to represent themself in their divorce proceeding, and the internet is filled with DIY divorce kits, companies selling forms and drafting assistance, and handbooks for those who want to execute their divorce without hiring a lawyer. This may seem like a cheaper, easier way to go. But when you look a little closer, the process is fraught with challenges, such as complicated procedures and paperwork, confusing deadlines, inadequate agreements and plans that don’t protect you in the future. Mistakes made in DIY divorces can often make the process even more costly than a traditional divorce would have been. Oftentimes, a party has a full-time job, and trying to figure out the law in your “spare” time can be next to impossible.

Conclusion People tend to view divorce as expensive and time-consuming. And in many cases it can be. But there are also alternative routes that can be taken, if the couple is amenable to it. The first step is to know your options. Next is choosing a divorce that meets your needs and goals””no path is perfect, particularly in the face of the many difficult decisions you will make going forward””but some options are better than others, depending on your unique situation.

Telling the Kids: Parenting and Divorce

Oftentimes, people wonder how much they should tell their children about their divorce. There are a lot of challenges that divorcing couples must wade through with their children. It’s not just about custody and parenting time. There is an ocean of emotional issues to swim through. How do you explain the divorce to your children? How do you cope with your own whirlwind emotions while still helping your children through theirs?

Here are some tips to help you through your communication with your children:

Prepare ahead of time. Be ready for the hard stuff. This is a confusing time for your children, regardless of what age they are. Their world is being changed forever, and they may be scared and uncertain or feel like they have to take sides. Those occasionally painful or awkward questions will arise, and when they do, it will be easier if you have prepared yourself emotionally. If you start to get frustrated or upset, take a few breaths and try to remember that they are just as upset as you are and will need to be comforted.
Be civil. Nothing puts children in a more difficult spot than being privy to the betrayed feelings and hostile emotions of one or both parents. Children already have a sense of responsibility regarding their parents’ divorce, they may wonder if it was something they might have done to cause the divorce ”“ or if there was something they could have done to prevent it. Protect them from the glare of the strong emotions you are likely feeling and stay away from negative characterizations of your spouse.
Be honest. Children are very in tune to the changes in the atmosphere and mood in their household. Even if you have not mentioned a single word about the divorce to them, they may already be aware that things are not all as they should be. They do not need to know every detail about your divorce, but what information you do provide should be honest.
Focus on them. You are going through a very difficult time right now, even if your divorce is amicable. So are your children. It is perfectly understandable and okay for them to feel upset, sad, or scared during this process. Listen to their questions and concerns and answer thoughtfully, no matter how hard it seems when faced with your own struggles.
Find a confidante. Find someone you can vent your emotions to, so you don’t have bottled up emotions that may spill over into your interactions with your children. Your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is still your children’s parent, and they are likely experiencing their own emotional ups and downs. A good confidante can help you avoid being tempted to give them yours. If you can, consider speaking to a therapist about the process.
Spend quality time with your children. It can be easy to get caught up in your own challenges, so set aside some time especially for your children. Ideally, they should spend time alone with both parents, so they still understand that they are important to you and that you won’t abandon them. Find fun things to do that take you and your kids away from the wave of emotions all of you are likely experiencing ”“ take a nature walk, watch the sun set, play ball, whatever you enjoy doing together. Even little breaks can help everyone maintain their emotional balance.

Conclusion

What children want more than anything during a divorce is to feel like things will be normal again ”“ even if it is a new normal. They need to know they are still loved, valued, and cherished. There will be good days and bad days with kids during the process, and their emotions will manifest in many ways, from acting out to withdrawal. They may be confused, angry, and scared. Remember to find small respites in the day to make things feel normal again. Taking care of yourself is also important because it allows you to take care of them.

What Is Early Neutral Assessment and When Is It a Good Option?

Recently, we have been receiving more and more questions about early neutral assessment (also known as early neutral evaluation). What is it? How much does it cost? And””more importantly””is it the right choice for me? Though early neutral assessment (ENA) is a viable and often highly beneficial alternative to divorce, it is not as well-known, and it is not the right choice for every couple.

So who is ENA best for?

Well, to decide that, a bit of explanation may help. ENA is the process in which a divorcing couple meets with an unbiased team of evaluators, usually an attorney and a therapist, one of each gender. Through a series of meetings, each half of the couple is given the opportunity to voice his or her concerns and feelings. The evaluators then make an assessment of the situation and return to the couple with suggestions on likely outcomes if the case were to go to court or possible alternatives to court, such as mediation.

The benefit that ENA provides over mediation is that with ENA, there are two experts on hand to provide suggestions and insights to the divorcing couple. The evaluators are not just listening to each party’s feelings. They’re also evaluating the situation and making recommendations based on the couple’s specific needs. Everything in the ENA process is designed to aid in a mutually beneficial resolution.

Also, by definition, ENA happens early in the process””before steps are taken towards a court-based divorce or even mediation. The benefits of ENA are many, including protecting children from the stress and negativity””sometimes even outright hostility””of divorce. It can help keep your children from getting in the middle of your problems. It can also speed up the process and reduce the expense and conflict of litigation.

So this all sounds great, right? If it’s cheaper and smoother, ENA should be a viable option for just about anyone!

Except that it’s not for everyone. Situations in which ENA may not be appropriate include:

A couple who is in an abusive relationship, whether that means mental, physical, or emotional abuse from either party, especially if children are involved. These cases may require court-appointed professionals through the traditional divorce process.
A couple in which one or both parties are more interested in fighting for everything rather than resolving their marriage quickly. Where there are lots of hurt feelings and anger, ENA may not be a viable solution.

Conclusion

For couples hoping to reduce the emotional toll of divorce or short-circuit potential litigation, ENA is an alternative””and a viable one, at that””to traditional approaches. In most cases, if an ENA evaluator’s recommendations are followed, the couple will likely benefit from a shorter divorce process and less expense.

Tips for Co-Parenting Over Summer Break

Summer is right around the corner in Colorado””which means school is out and kids’ schedules are about to change. For separated or newly divorced parents, summer can bring added quality time spent with the kids, but also worry and anxiety as parents juggle modified schedules, summer vacations, and visits from out-of-town family and friends.

Here are a few tips to make adjusting to summer schedules easier for you and your ex:

Review your co-parenting plan. When you divorced, you may have already created a parenting plan that includes summer vacation. Every summer brings changes to schedules, from camps and summer vacations to visits from out of town friends and relatives. All can impact your co-parenting plan. Further, summer schedules for children can change a parent’s schedule, with camps or other care arrangements starting or ending at different times. Review your parenting plan and adjust for summer. When are vacations scheduled? Are grandparents visiting? Where might scheduling conflicts arise and what are backup plans for childcare then?
Communicate. Whether you want to take your child on your vacation or enroll him or her in a summer camp, talk with your ex as soon as possible. Check that your plans and your ex’s plans are compatible. If they are not, start discussing necessary changes early. Do not let yourself be caught off guard once you have already made plans.
Be detailed. Create a summer plan. Who has your children when? Are you alternating weeks or weekends? Will either of you have your child with you for a longer period of time during the summer? How about who will be picking up your children after summer care and when? Delineate it all on paper (or on the computer, as the case may be).
Talk to your kids. Older children will likely have some input over summer schedules, so be sure and engage them early as plans for the summer begin to solidify. What activities will they be involved in over the summer? Will they attend summer camp, daycare or a combination of both? Be sure and include your children in conversations about the impact of summer schedule changes and what it might mean to co-parenting arrangements.
Share costs. Summer vacations and events all cost money. Review your separation agreement. Does your child support include extra summer activities, such as daycare? If not, be ready to talk to your ex about sharing the costs of unforeseen joint expenses.
Do not stick your kids in the middle. Summer vacation is a time of fun and relaxation for your children. Do not make them choose between you and your ex. You can have plenty of fun planned without making it a competition between you and your ex.

One of the most challenging parts of co-parenting is cooperation. It is also the most important part. By planning and communicating with your ex in a civil and cooperative manner as summer schedules emerge, you can make the school break fun and stress-free for both your children and yourself.

Surviving That First Holiday Post-Divorce

There is always a holiday right around the corner, from the very big ones””like Passover and Easter””to those we celebrate with less fanfare, like Memorial Day. Regardless of the holiday, for most of us, these days can bring anxiety and worry or rekindle feelings of loss. For the recently separated or divorced, the first holiday””large or small””can be difficult, as you close the door to past traditions and activities and initiated new ones.

Here are a few tips to help you get through your first holiday after divorce:

See the first holiday as a new beginning. Divorce is the ending of a relationship, but it is also the beginning of a new phase in your life. Divorce is a major transition in anyone’s life. Take the opportunity to create a new start. Make new holiday traditions. Do something you have not done before.
Do not hide from the holidays. For many people””especially if you are an introvert””when you feel pain, you want to find a safe space to crawl into and hide. Resist that urge during the holiday. Spend time with your friends and family. Go to your neighborhood egg hunt with the kids. Visit a friend’s house for dinner.
Focus on the right things. Instead of focusing on your anger or sadness, remember the spirit of the season. If you celebrate Passover, think about overcoming obstacles and hardships. If you celebrate Easter, think about new life and beginnings.
Spend extra time with your children. Your kids might be struggling with spending a holiday without both parents or dividing their time. Spend extra time with them to let them know they are loved and appreciated, even if both parents are not there. Try starting some of those new holiday traditions with them.
Take care of yourself. We give this advice frequently, but it bears repeating. Divorce is hard. That first holiday after your divorce can be especially hard. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Get a massage, speak to your therapist or trusted friend, or make some time to meditate.
Be polite. If your children are spending this first holiday season with your ex, you may be struggling with even more feelings of loss, anger, or sadness. But make your life (and your children’s) easier. Be polite to your ex. Your kids will already be struggling. Make it as easy for them as possible.
Keep busy. We understand that you may want some alone time. But if you are spending the holiday without your children for the first time, try planning something to keep busy. Maybe you spend time with family and friends, or maybe you go serve soup at a shelter. Keeping busy helps you focus on the good parts of the holidays and think less about the challenges.

Holidays are a time for fun and joy, but for the newly divorced, they can be also be tough. Try some of these tips to make the holiday easier. And above all, take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

Taking Charge of Change: Divorce Matters Helps Women in Transition

Taking Charge of Change: Inspiration for Women in Transition, an event created by women for women facing divorce or the death of a partner, is being held on March 15, 2012, at Artwork Network (878 Santa Fe, Denver, CO) from 4:30 to 6:30 pm.

This event is free to attend and designed to give women access to the range of emotional, financial, legal, and physical resources they might need during a divorce.

This event kicks off an upcoming seminar series that features advice, seminars, and professional expertise for separating or newly single women””advice and information that will help them take charge of the changes they face to move forward with their lives.

The kick-off event on March 15 features two talented, accomplished women who have juggled motherhood and careers, coupled with life-changing divorces. Heidi Williams, the Mayor of Thornton, will lead off the evening’s presentation. Mayor Williams is a politician, business owner, and mother who understands the challenges busy women face as they balance all of life’s responsibilities. Once divorced and now remarried, Mayor Williams will share her secrets for turning personal change into opportunity.

Colleen Bushby, founder of Savvy Divorced Chicks, is a nationally known expert on personal transformation for women facing divorce or other significant life changes. When Colleen faced her divorce””with four young children in tow””she turned her personal crisis into a new beginning, launching a new career and uncovering the keys she needed to take back her power, emotionally, financially and personally, during and after her divorce.

At the March 15^th event, financial experts, family and relationship therapists, and image experts will be on hand to talk to women about maintaining their financial, emotional, and physical well-being while navigating newly single lives.

For more information on this event or to register, visit www.divorce-matters.com/events, email info@divorce-matters.com or call 720.542.6142.

The March 15^th event will be followed by a month-long, four-part series to help newly-separated or newly-single women balance well-being while managing personal change.

Those sessions will provide women with access to experts who can help them with all aspects of the changes touching their lives, including:

April 5”“ Dr. Pat Covalt, Family and Relationship Expert
4:30 to 6:30 pm / Strings Restaurant, 1700 Humboldt, Denver, Colorado
Few divorces are smooth and easy from an emotional and psychological perspective. Dr. Covalt will share her secrets to navigating the emotional waters and protect your emotional health and the health of those most impacted by the divorce.

April 19”“ Maureen Kelley, Wells Fargo Wealth Services
4:30 to 6:30 pm / Strings Restaurant, 1700 Humboldt, Denver, Colorado
Take charge of change to improve your financial health. Maureen Kelley from Wells Fargo Private Wealth Services will explain how women can exercise greater control of their finances to achieve greater financial health, particularly when change happens.

April 26”“ Keri Blair, Keri Blair Image Experts
4:30 to 6:30 pm / Strings Restaurant, 1700 Humboldt, Denver, Colorado
As mothers, wives, and working professionals, women often lose self-esteem as they seek to accommodate so many different expectations. Keri will show women how to look and feel better physically, a key component to greater emotional balance and health.

For more information, call 720.542.6142.

To register, visit www.divorce-matters.com/events or email info@divorce-matters.com.

Filing for Divorce: Recognizing the Final Straw

After being married for 77 years, 99-year-old Antonio learned that his 96-year-old wife, Rosa, had cheated on him in the 1940s. She admitted to the affair, but the two were unable to reconcile their differences, and Antonio filed for a divorce.

Was the 60-year old affair a complete deal breaker in an otherwise happy marriage? Or was it simply the final straw that broke the camel’s back?

The couple had, in fact, separated for a time earlier in their relationship and had experienced marital problems. Finding out about his wife’s affair was just the impetus Antonio needed to take action.

This is far from unusual in divorce cases. Couples who come to speak with us about getting a divorce may point to one reason for the decision””maybe infidelity or financial problems””but often that one incident comes after many other symptoms or problem signs.

Sometimes, recognizing or seeing the signs can be a challenge. How can you tell the difference between run-of-the-mill bickering and a significant problem? Below, we have pulled together a few signs that your marriage may be in trouble:

You never talk anymore. Or maybe you talk, but you do not seem to have the long, significant conversations that you once did. Maybe you feel like you have run out of things to say or that you’re just not interested in hearing about your spouse’s lousy day at work. Regardless, communication breakdowns are often one of the first signs of deeper problems.
You look for opportunities to spend time apart. It is one thing to have an occasional girls’ or guys’ night out or to seek some alone time, but when you are actively avoiding your spouse’s presence often, you may have a problem. It may not even be going out. You may be avoiding your spouse when you’re in the same room. TV, reading, surfing the web””whatever your escape is, if you would rather do that than talk to your spouse, there may be cracks in the relationship.
You find yourself arguing more and more about insignificant things. Divorce is not always triggered by huge fights. Sometimes it is smaller fights””even about seemingly unimportant topics””that add up. This is especially true when it seems like you are always fighting about the same thing. Sometimes it may feel that you bicker and argue more often than you enjoy each other’s presence.
You have lost that loving feeling. Intimacy is an important part of marriage, whether it is physical or emotional. Couples whose relationships are struggling often have a hard time with both. An increasing gulf and reduced interest in intimate connection between you and your spouse may be an earlier warning sign.
You or your spouse is hyper-critical or hyper-sensitive. As a couple grows apart, they may find themselves being easily irritated or easily hurt by the smallest things. Some people who come to talk with us complain that they feel like they can do no right anymore. Others complain that their spouse is constantly criticizing them.

Conclusion

These are just a few of the early warning signs that all is not as it should be in your marriage. Though every couple is different, we hear story after story of marital problems that started off small and grew to be enormous. If you are starting to see cracks in your marriage, counseling and therapy can be relationship-savers, if you get there before the problems become too big. Do not ignore the early warning signs. If you really want to save your marriage and avoid divorce court, find a therapist and start working on the small issues now. Divorce, more often than not, stems from the little things that build up. The big incidents, like Rosa’s decades-old affair, just tip the scale.

What You Need to Know About Money in a Divorce

When you or your spouse decides to divorce, one of the first concerns that will come to mind is money. It’s likely you and your spouse have had comingled finances for some time. How will you divide that? What’s fair? How will distribution of both income and debt be decided?

Money is always an important””and often contentious””consideration in any divorce. And in today’s economy, it is even more so.

Here are a few steps to take to reduce the amount of friction around finances as you move through the divorce process:

Step back and take a look at your current financial situation. Understand your assets and debts. Which are in your name? Which in your spouse’s name? Are your accounts joint or separate? When reviewing your current situation, try to be as realistic as possible. The courts will divide your assets and debts in an “equitable” fashion, but that does not always mean a 50/50 split. Try to get a clear picture of what’s yours, what’s your spouse’s, and what’s shared.
Create a budget for life as a single person. Living on one income will likely be an adjustment for you and may require some life changes. Drafting a budget””even if you do not know all the exact dollar amounts””will help you get a better picture of what a divorce will mean to your individual financial situation.
Collect your previous year’s tax information. Make copies of your most recent tax returns. During the divorce process, you will be required to give full disclosure of your complete financial situation. Have these collected and copied while you have easy access to them.
Start establishing your own credit. Opening your own credit card while divorcing may seem counter-intuitive when your financial situation seems most precarious. However, this is an important step if you have only had joint credit card accounts for a long time. You will need to establish credit separate from your spouse’s history.
To the extent possible, keep the lines of communication with your spouse open. This might be the hardest “tip” to try. In some ways, your spouse may be the last person you feel like talking to. Your emotions may be up and down on an hourly basis, and you’re likely dealing with anger, sadness, bitterness, or all of the above. But this is a very important step. The financial decisions you make now will affect you for the long term. For example, if you own a house together, how will you move forward? Which of you will claim the children in taxes? The house? These tough choices should be made now, if possible.

Conclusion

In this economy, finances are stressful before you add divorce into the mix. When facing an imminent divorce, knowing your finances is just that much more important. Planning ahead and making smart decisions can make a painful and difficult process a little easier.